littlegirllost

I dreamt about him last night! Thank God. I was starting to worry I never would.
We're in a hotel room. Laying in bed. Talking. At some point I become aware that I am dreaming, and that this conversation is taking place before his death. This is my perception of it, at least. There is so much I should say. I am not sad, only grateful for an opportunity to talk to him again. I ask him how he feels. "I feel very good, today," he says. "I feel happy and alive and so in love." He has such a beautiful smile. I don't know why I don't kiss him. Next time I will kiss him. I ask if he ever thinks about death. "Of course I do. But I'm not afraid of it," he says.
I ask if he ever thinks about how he might die, when the time comes.
"I don't know why, but I see a car crash sometimes, something like that." He tells me about his brief history with cars, how he only has been driving for a few short years, and he rarely uses the car anyways.
"Do you believe in an afterlife?" I want to know.
He laughs. A big, beautiful laugh that breaks my heart. He throws up his hands. "You know, if there is one, great. If there's not, it just won't matter. It'll just be over."
We talk about other things. Sad things. Private things.
And then I say, "Listen, baby. If anything ever happens to you, and you find yourself in a bad situation, staring down death or whatever, please remember what you said tonight. About not being afraid. Just be calm, and know that you have lived a fantastic life."
And that's it. He was as beautiful as I remember him. And kind. And funny. And smart. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. For that short time I had him in my life, and his continued presence in my life even today. Thank you.