lithiumflower

Havn't updated this thing in awhile.

Fell asleep at my desk last night, had an absurdly weird dream. Still not sure how I feel about it. One of those dreams that ended way too early but still not soon enough. Only reason I'm posting about it is cause it's still kinda knocking around in mah brain.

I read the book "The Diving Bell and the Butterfly" a couple years ago and then saw the movie. It's the memoir of Jean-DominiqueBauby, theeditor-in-chief of Elle magazine, the absurdly prestigious fashion magazine. Sound boring? It completely changed my outlook on life and on myself.Baubyhad a stroke in 1995, and it left him in a coma for a couple weeks. When he finally woke up, he had "locked in syndrome". Basically, he was still alive and conscious, but his entire body was paralyzed, save for his left eye. The entire book was written byBaubyand a transcriber who worked with him. She recited the French alphabet and wrote down the letter thatBaubyblinked to. The entire book was written by blinking.The movie was shot from the perspective ofBauby's one eye. So the only time you actually see him is when he is remembering his past life. You never see him sick, all you see are the reactions of the people who come to see him.

What really got me was the character and personality of Bauby.

"I decided to stop pitying myself. Other than my eye, two things aren't paralyzed, my imagination and my memory. " - Jean-Dominique Bauby

Since then, I always tried to keep stuff in perspective. AlthoughI bitch about things at times,Inever have never had a a reason to feel sorry for myself, and never have deserved to feel sorry for myself.

In my dream I had locked in syndrome. It was absolutely terrifying. It's like living in a room with one tiny window, but worse. You are literally locked inside your head, a prisoner of your own body. I"m not sure if I can even describe how it feels. And you know how sometimes dreams have their own timelines and timescales? This dream lasted about a year.

Anyway, an interesting part of the dream was seeing all the people that came to see me. Not just that, but seeing their reaction. Seeing if they were just scared, if they showed up just to save face, give me pity, or if they actually cared. When some people came to see me they just looked at me with disgust, like they were scared to come near me. I kept on wanting to scream "DUDE, IT'SME, WTF!" but of course couldn't.

Then there were the people who showed up and just gave me an amazing amount of pity. They felt so sorry for me. And yeah, I guess thinking about that is nice. We all do it in one way or another when someone we know is going through a tough time. But damn, did it make me feel hopeless.

Then there were those who showed up and spent time with me and talked to me and all that stuff. They didn't pity me but treated me like a human being. It was pretty cool. They kinda gave me hope.

I realize all this stuff sounds totally obvious, and I realize I've never ACTUALLY been in this situation. But fuck did it feel real. It reminded me of when I was in Egypt and the fires put my house in San Diego in the mandatory evac zone. I had to tell my mom over the phone what to save from my room when they were evacuating. Except in the case of this dream I didn't lose any possessions or anyone really, just all capacity to interact with them.

I also ended up sleeping through most of my classes. And by most I mean all. Oops.

Anyway, that's that.