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Yeah. Okay. Uh huh. I need to scream. I really do. I told someone that today. That I just needed to get off work, drive out to some distant location. Maybe off the road a bit, under some power lines. Just stand there, staring at the horizon, screaming my fucking head off. I have a lot to scream about right now. And I know I have a lot to be thankful for. I have not lost perspective of all that is good and right in the world. Maybe things will work themselves as they see fit, with only my quiet protest going unnoticed. I just want to scream because it is in my power to do so. A scream cannot be denied. I guess it feels good because sometimes it connects us with all we really have. When the air is gone from our lungs, there is nothing left to say, really. Why I want to scream most of all. Frustration. Lack of love in my life. Lack of trust. Lack of common sense. Lack of motivation. What is it I need? What am I seeking in the land of uncertainty? I'm fucking lost here, people. It's both a great and terrible thing. I'm the tourist, sure, but tourists wear out their welcome far too quick. This isn't my home, but no place ever is. My old friends don't want my company. I might just right out and ask them if they still value my company, because they hardly ever speak to me any more. Yeah. Right, fine. I see I've lost my way, guess this is the only road left for me to take. Walk on, tread carefully young man. I hold onto the past, and for the first time in a long time, I wish to have undone what I have done. I've hurt and not seen the hurt this profound in quite some time. Goddamn, what am I to do. Where to begin. Where to even begin.

What has come before.

I've worked for months to get into school here, following the death of my dad. I played that card, it didn't make it any easier. I hardly ever play that card. I'm like my sister, only not as bad. She doesn't talk to anybody about it. Here is the lady that turned me down. She has 200 hits on her webpage. Let's see if we can double it. She was nice about it. Just doing her job. I can understand that. But I was lied to about my stance with the school. I was told that my out of state thing wouldn't be a problem. Goddamn, I'm whiny. Only thing I want more than anything is to finish up school. It's been too long. Too many distractions. And here I am, the end getting further and further out of sight.

What I'm trying to do with myself.

I have no center. No defining urge. I write sporadically. In spurts. I can't commit to even this.

What I lack in energy I make up for in dreams, for all the good they'll do me. I used to stay up all night and dream intense, vomit inducing nightmares. That was no way to live. They came back yesterday morning. Goddamn.

I lack a girlfriend. I lack the female company I had for oh, so long. It's a desperation at times. Mostly, it's just a cold, painful ache. Yeah. I wish I could be obsessive, but I'm just too darned lazy. I don't seem to be attracting anyone, so even the effort I put forth seems to be lost. If it's just a game, who out there is throwing the dice and shuffling the deck.

Recommend something to me. Say something. Life is empty enough.

I need to explore this new city and come back with stories. I need to feel desperate, but in a good way. A way that craves something enough to fuel the passion to create, again.

I should be working on a script. A script that hurts too much to write. I have no energy to ever start it. Because it's just too damn angry and bitter and nasty. There is good in it. I just don't know where.

Whoever does, tells no one.