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linds_

United Kingdom

Member Since 2005

Followers 416 Following 287

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Saturday Feb 23, 2008

Feb 23, 2008
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I hate the dark times.

I went crazy while I was away. Like actually insane. I'm surprised I'm still here to be honest. Now whenever I get thoughts similar to those I was having then, I freak out.
I haven't told anyone what happened. They either won't believe me or won't see the seriousness of it.
I'll try and explain, if thats ok.

I started to depersonalise everything. Every action, thought and movement was't real. It was like I took a back seat in my mind and watched some sort of movie play through my eyes. I didn't sleep for a long time. When I did feel tired, I'd keep myself awake with caffeine pills, energy drinks and coffee. I couldn't feel pain. I cut myself up really bad to try and feel something. I carved out words in my arms and legs. They were really deep and the scars probably won't go away. I drank myself stupid, I spent all my money on booze and going out. I got into a few sticky situations with guys. I had a lot of one night stands. I thought I could do anything. I didn't accept my life as being real. I kept thinking it was all in my head. I had brief moments when I could see reality. I could see what I was doing but I couldn't stop myself. Then I'd be away again... I just felt like there wasn't something right.

Nothing triggered this. It just happened.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist at the hospital last week. I thought he'd help me see what is wrong with me but he seemed to think that I was some kind of recluse with major relationship problems. He wouldn't listen to a word I said.

Ach well. How are you?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
atari11:
yerr im rad actually.
just realised i could probably talk to you on msn but i keep forgetting it exists bhahaha.
got a job interview at satrosphere waay :] im well excited.
im watching dancing on ice purely just on case gareth gates falls.

whats new then?
xx
Feb 24, 2008
schuldig:
I went through the same things. For about 4 years (fromt he ages of 16-19), I would go in and out of that state. At it's worst I woud burn and cut myself and I actually psychosomatically convinced myself that I was a vampire (sounds funny saying it but it was a bad time). And I physically became a photophobe. My eyes would turn red and bleed if exposed to the sun. Was horrible. I would also drink and all of that too. I have the scars on my arms as proof of that happening. And I would deny what was happening to most everyone, but then brag about my scars and conditions to other people. You need to find a really professional therapist and not a doctor with his nose in the psychological textbook.

If ever you need someone to talk to just let me know. smilesmilesmile
Feb 25, 2008

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