linds_

I hate the dark times.

I went crazy while I was away. Like actually insane. I'm surprised I'm still here to be honest. Now whenever I get thoughts similar to those I was having then, I freak out.
I haven't told anyone what happened. They either won't believe me or won't see the seriousness of it.
I'll try and explain, if thats ok.

I started to depersonalise everything. Every action, thought and movement was't real. It was like I took a back seat in my mind and watched some sort of movie play through my eyes. I didn't sleep for a long time. When I did feel tired, I'd keep myself awake with caffeine pills, energy drinks and coffee. I couldn't feel pain. I cut myself up really bad to try and feel something. I carved out words in my arms and legs. They were really deep and the scars probably won't go away. I drank myself stupid, I spent all my money on booze and going out. I got into a few sticky situations with guys. I had a lot of one night stands. I thought I could do anything. I didn't accept my life as being real. I kept thinking it was all in my head. I had brief moments when I could see reality. I could see what I was doing but I couldn't stop myself. Then I'd be away again... I just felt like there wasn't something right.

Nothing triggered this. It just happened.

I had an appointment with a psychiatrist at the hospital last week. I thought he'd help me see what is wrong with me but he seemed to think that I was some kind of recluse with major relationship problems. He wouldn't listen to a word I said.

Ach well. How are you?