If I last four more weeks I will finally be on top of the stupid money game that has cause so much stife in my life recently.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me as I sat down in my normal place in from of the evil vortex of lost souls better known as Coffee Time, that I looked agitated yet happy at the same time.
My reply was simple, "Thats just about how I feel, whats bothering me now is, am I agitated about being happy". He thought that was rather funny.
To be honest I'm happy or maybe content, the two are confused often. But I really don't know why I'm happy, I'm in a financial purgatory, my girlfiend is being crazy ... agian, and my roomate has decided that I'm no longer worthy of his converation yet alone his respect (and this guy is supposed to be one of my best friends).
Maybe I have reached a state in life where you just accept the stupid crap that happens to you and you stop fighting, somwhat like what people who know they are going to die face, only rather than accepting death, I'm accepting hell.
This idea scares me. I have see far to many in-bittered old (and I mean old very loosely) who have given in to the stupid game, they have decided that they will be a pawn and stop fighting the opression of chaos that keeps them from really discovering who they can be.
But then agian, I could be sliping into a state of zen where I can forget about all of the peripheral things life, and just focus on whats really important, who am I.
Now when I mean "who I am" I'm not saying the same thing as when people talk about the years they spend in there teens trying to discover which "image" they can present that will most closely represent who they THINK they are, but I'm talking more about the real question that is underlying when you ask "who I am", the question of "what is the real purpose of all this".
For me, I will be happy not to answer that question fully (if that is even possible) but to simple answer the step twards the real answer that states, what should I be doing. That question can be answered I'm sure of it.
A good friend of mine pointed out to me as I sat down in my normal place in from of the evil vortex of lost souls better known as Coffee Time, that I looked agitated yet happy at the same time.
My reply was simple, "Thats just about how I feel, whats bothering me now is, am I agitated about being happy". He thought that was rather funny.
To be honest I'm happy or maybe content, the two are confused often. But I really don't know why I'm happy, I'm in a financial purgatory, my girlfiend is being crazy ... agian, and my roomate has decided that I'm no longer worthy of his converation yet alone his respect (and this guy is supposed to be one of my best friends).
Maybe I have reached a state in life where you just accept the stupid crap that happens to you and you stop fighting, somwhat like what people who know they are going to die face, only rather than accepting death, I'm accepting hell.
This idea scares me. I have see far to many in-bittered old (and I mean old very loosely) who have given in to the stupid game, they have decided that they will be a pawn and stop fighting the opression of chaos that keeps them from really discovering who they can be.
But then agian, I could be sliping into a state of zen where I can forget about all of the peripheral things life, and just focus on whats really important, who am I.
Now when I mean "who I am" I'm not saying the same thing as when people talk about the years they spend in there teens trying to discover which "image" they can present that will most closely represent who they THINK they are, but I'm talking more about the real question that is underlying when you ask "who I am", the question of "what is the real purpose of all this".
For me, I will be happy not to answer that question fully (if that is even possible) but to simple answer the step twards the real answer that states, what should I be doing. That question can be answered I'm sure of it.