limowreck

So I'm three-deep in a line ringing customers out in the Ladies Department of all places. Before you ask, no, it is not my department, and you couldn't pay me enough to work it. But, if you're above me in rank, you can make me do it. So like a good little bitchboy, I followed orders...sort of.

So I wasn't thrilled to be ringing out old ladies who were pulling out their change purses and tediously counting their pennies to make exact change, flicking aside the lint that had collected there in the 50 years or so that they'd been collecting said coin change, and listening to them relate to me their bowel movements, how wonderful their grandchildren were, and why my Mother must be proud that I have a deep voice. Why, thank you, ma'am. My mother sure is pleased that my voice is sufficiently deep enough. She'll die happy knowing this. Her life is complete.

Well, I didn't really say that, but I did get this one woman who looked due back at the coffin any minute, and, boy, was she snippy. (Read: bitch with too much money, and probably too many cats.) She managed to somehow turn, "Hello, how are you doing this fine sunny day?" into, after saying "Huh??" three fucking times, "I said 'HELLO, HOW ARE YOU THIS FINE SUNNY DAY???'"

I didn't mean to shout, but she couldn't hear, and she had it coming. However, I didn't expect her to get snippy right back, which I must admit, I rather enjoyed. That is, until she said I looked like I was twelve. I helpfully reminded her that her glasses were draped around her neck, and that if she were wearing them, she'd see the ever so slight receding hairline I have, which was a little better than hers, though I don't think she heard that part.

However, Jimbo, Manager of a Thousand Shirts, did. You ever seen what a fresh, ripe apple looks like? Well, that was about the shade of red he took when he heard me. I guess some people at 60 hear better than others, cuz the old bat didn't hear me, but he sure did. And to be fair, I really do love old people. I mean, really. Who else is going to remind me how young and dashing I really am?

Anyway, back to the deaf (and blind) woman. She shouts, "How much is the total????"

I felt my eardrums rattle for a second, then, once equilibrium took effect again, I responded, in an equally loud voice, "$147.82." She nodded, smiled at the wonderful deal she was getting, and started to pull out cash...in $5s and $1s. Oh, rapture.

All the while Jimmy was turning something akin to a grape. Well...he is 60, so maybe a prune. After spending the next 20 years counting out the cash, she counted change in her change purse...just to see if she had it...she was a penny short...and decided that maybe she should write a check instead...

I looked for the nearest hitman available, but alas, there were none at the ready that day. Must've taken their families out for Memorial Day. I could see the family vacation now: "See kids? That man buried right there...Daddy got paid $10,000 to shoot him, make it look like an Iraqi did it. Be thankful; these men that I killed, this is their day too."

Now, back to the old lady, who is at this point, with a shaking hand that make my seizures seem tame, tried signing her name. After tearing out 2 other checks because she couldn't even sign her name she finally settled on her credit card. Memorial Day was about to have one more person to be remembered if she changed her mind again.

Upon completion of the tranaction, after having grey hairs sprout on my face, I finally hurried away to smoke a cigarette. Of course, guess who was waiting for me...yeah, Him. No, not the band, but Him. He of the Blue Blazer That Never Changes.

"Shaun, why were you so rude to the customer?" he asked me.

"I wasn't rude, I merely pointed out some helpful things." I replied. He then responded with, "Shouting the total of her purchase to where the next cash wrap over could hear isn't what I'd call helpful."

See why we can't get along? Even when I'm being considerate for speaking loudly for the hard of hearing, I still get into trouble. Why can I win?

"I think you should think about what you did. We'll talk tomorrow."

(No we won't, he'll be too afraid that I won't open him any more of his precious credit applications.)

"Sure thing, Jim." Good thing he didn't see the bird I flipped him, eh?