lilmisspants

Okay, so I just watched American Beauty...again. I must say, every time i watch that movie i realize a little more about how little regard i have for life. I'm 20 years old and i don't feel like i've got much of anything to show for life. Sure i have a few things i've done. but what is that? it's not who i am, it's not what i am. maybe a lot of the problem is that i try to control life too much. i try to grasp it and manipulate, to make it form to my system. who am i do to that? life isn't mine, i don't own it. i merely exist within it. perhaps i should try to become part of the ebb and flow of life, instead of hoping that it will become a part of me.

there's so much to be grateful for and to appreciate. to cherish the words of a friend, to read the Bible, to be able to communicate with all of you who read this and all who don't. i love my friends, my family, myself, but what have i given back to this world that has given everything to me? i'm not depressed, i hope this isn't being misconstrued. i just think it's sad that i've grown, per se, in a culture that doesn't embrace the natural wonders of human existance. this is just flesh, it's here for a glimpse and then it's gone. names live on to tell tales of magnificent glory that i may never come close to. Achilles, Jesus, Muhammed, Confuscious, Socrates, Freud. Names that will live on in history forever. These people will never be forgotten, their names are as much of our life as our mother's or our own. They hold a place that be it sacred or not, is defined and known well. Yet if you read this, i know you better than any of them. great people, yes, but it's still flesh and blood. their acts, their accomplishments affect us all, but what does that mean?

i'm not pondering the meaning of life or trying to find order in the chaos that is constantly surrounding me. i'm looking for a gnosis, i want an explicit understanding of what i should, but would that, in essence, destroy the very thing i'm after? it's like turning on a light to see the darkness. the answers are right in front of us, yet we don't see them. i focus on the problems instead of enjoying the beauty of the predicament. i feel like maybe i have found a key in my life. i've found something that i can't give to anyone, but i can share it. where is my perfect person? i have the key to the lock and inside is happiness. i can't do it all myself, but i'm willing to work with them.

American Beauty (not the movie) is unique to all of us. i'm finding what's beautiful to me, are you finding yours?