After a rough start I ended up having a pretty good day yesterday. Got my nails painted (toes red and fingers black) and spent all afternoon goofing off online with Facebook. I hate it when I fritter away so much time with useless online distractions (I ought to be practicing my music or something like that). But after a hastily prepared dinner I went to...
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erich:
If I (A) get a damn job again, and (B) get my car into better shape, I need to get into Janus.
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pirateaffterall:
I refuse to pay someone to do my nails. It's a waste of money. You'll get better at it sooner or later. It will never be perfect, mine aren't. I get paint on the skin here and there but by the end of the day it's worn off from washing my hands or taking a shower, etc. If I need them to look good right away, then when I get paint on the skin I dip a QTip in nailpolish remover and just wipe the paint off my finger. QTips are small enough to get off what you need without messing it all up.
lilitu23:
Yep, I must have went through about three dozen Q-tips today!
I actually had a free manicure and polish job a few weeks ago when the students from a local cosmetology school came to give free makeovers to the MTFs during a transgender week here in the city. I wish I could afford to make a habit of it! But at least I learned how it's supposed to be done, and now it's just a matter of practicing it on my own.
One thing I absolutely cannot do on my own is apply false eyelashes. Fortunately that isn't something I feel compelled to wear every day at least...
I actually had a free manicure and polish job a few weeks ago when the students from a local cosmetology school came to give free makeovers to the MTFs during a transgender week here in the city. I wish I could afford to make a habit of it! But at least I learned how it's supposed to be done, and now it's just a matter of practicing it on my own.
One thing I absolutely cannot do on my own is apply false eyelashes. Fortunately that isn't something I feel compelled to wear every day at least...
lahwok4689:
Well that blog, while being tiny, was succinct in content.
Today I increase the dosage of tyrosine to three 500mg capsules, twice a day. I just had my morning dose, will take the second one in a few hours. Then later I will up the tryptophan to three 500mg tablets in the afternoon, and three at bedtime.
This is a high dose of tyrosine I just took about an hour ago, and I'm feeling a...
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This is a high dose of tyrosine I just took about an hour ago, and I'm feeling a...
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phia_forever:
*hugs* Perhaps you'll be celebrating your own Independence Day a bit later than the federal holiday, then? Let's hope that you can win your freedom from this depression that's holding you... whether the catalyst for your liberation is the hormones, the Cymbalta, or something entirely different.
Have as happy a day as you can!
Have as happy a day as you can!
Last night I finally got down to business (after months of procrastination) and mastered the new CD by 400 Lonely Things, the project of my friend Craig who also runs Pimalia, the indie label I record for. It wasn't that terribly challenging a task once I got down to it, and only took about five hours including interruptions. I can't definitely say if...
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pirateaffterall:
Women are bitches. Every single one of us. Maybe not all the time, but at some point we are. Some more often than others. The one you decided to message seems like a rude stuck up loser so forget about her. People are mean sometimes, you just gotta find the good ones 
lilitu23:
Yeah, the people I've come into contact with on Craigslist run the spectrum. A few have been very kind, warm, sincere, and intelligent. Very few have been assholes. Most have either fallen into the category of flakes or poseurs, people putting on a public persona to make themselves out to be more than they probably are or the kind who play games emailing back and forth and then never following through on their stated intentions or claims. After this latest incident, which was more or less a bitch slap but hit me like a sucker punch (I was expecting that the poster might not reply, wasn't expecting a reply like that at all), I have decided to take a break from Craigslist and I'm not posting or reading in the personals anymore. I'm really looking for something real in terms of intimacy and honesty, and it seems like most people out there are looking for quick and shallow hookups at best, more often they're just wasting their own and other people's time. I'm tired of it. I'd rather be alone for the time being...
Med schedule for today and tomorrow, Wed July 1 & Thu July 2: two 500mg capsules L-tyrosine first thing in the morning and two more at noon; two 500mg tablets tryptophan at mid-afternoon and two more at bedtime. That's a total of 1000mg each of tyrosine and tryptophan per day. Plus the usual multi-vitamin supplement, twice a day.
I had a very hard time waking...
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I had a very hard time waking...
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lilitu23:
Well, they say that laughter is the best medicine, and I think I just overdosed!
I am not too inclined to believe that the tyrosine+tryptophan combo I'm taking for my serotonin/norepinephrine boost to try to get me out of this low depressed mood and state of apathetic lethargy is doing any good. I went to bed last night at ten pm in a bad mood, and forced myself out of bed at 8 am this morning when the alarm went...
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phia_forever:
Just confirming -- 0 to 10, with 10 being most severe depression? Or is that 0 to 10, with 10 being the best you could feel?
If it's the former, I hope you find some combination that works for you, and some peace for your soul.
Just a note from an outside perspective though, hopefully somewhat of an objective view: comments like "What a loser I am" and "just so tired of it all" so perfectly typify depression, and the self-doubt and self-loathing it tries to impose on a person. It shows, not just to you... and I wish you only happiness and light as you find your way out of that darkness. It's a tough road, a challenging climb, but you're not traveling alone -- don't fall into the trap of artificially isolating yourself!
Take care, and be well!
If it's the former, I hope you find some combination that works for you, and some peace for your soul.
Just a note from an outside perspective though, hopefully somewhat of an objective view: comments like "What a loser I am" and "just so tired of it all" so perfectly typify depression, and the self-doubt and self-loathing it tries to impose on a person. It shows, not just to you... and I wish you only happiness and light as you find your way out of that darkness. It's a tough road, a challenging climb, but you're not traveling alone -- don't fall into the trap of artificially isolating yourself!
Take care, and be well!
lilitu23:
0 being not depressed at all, 10 being depressed to the point of feeling suicidal or being totally incapacitated.
So I have been unable to access this site all afternoon due to excessive traffic. Come on, SG, I just sent you $50 for a membership renewal, time to put that money to use by increasing your bandwidth limits over at your web host, I'd say. As it is, I am typing this blog into a text document and will post it up when I...
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lilitu23:
I forgot to mention in the above blog about all the suggestive dreams I had before waking this afternoon. Most of the details have been forgotten at this point.
One dream was about going to some shopping center in the middle of the night with my family in a car, having to deliver something to a department store where my Dad supposedly worked after it had closed at midnight and trying to find a way to get them to let me in. And there was something about taking out all my recorders after not playing them in so long, and finding the joints had gotten loose and they all needed recorking. The feeling I got was that it is time for me to take my wind instruments out of their cases and start playing again.
Another dream concerned some very beautiful young women (models, strippers, hookers? I'm not sure), one of whom wanted to enter into a study with me, researching some pagan tradition I cannot recall now. She had books and she believed that I would be someone who could comprehend and benefit by reading them and by discussing the teachings with her. It felt like a sexual experience might be part of this relationship, but I might have been mistaken.
And there were other dreams, now forgotten...
One dream was about going to some shopping center in the middle of the night with my family in a car, having to deliver something to a department store where my Dad supposedly worked after it had closed at midnight and trying to find a way to get them to let me in. And there was something about taking out all my recorders after not playing them in so long, and finding the joints had gotten loose and they all needed recorking. The feeling I got was that it is time for me to take my wind instruments out of their cases and start playing again.
Another dream concerned some very beautiful young women (models, strippers, hookers? I'm not sure), one of whom wanted to enter into a study with me, researching some pagan tradition I cannot recall now. She had books and she believed that I would be someone who could comprehend and benefit by reading them and by discussing the teachings with her. It felt like a sexual experience might be part of this relationship, but I might have been mistaken.
And there were other dreams, now forgotten...
Well, I really wasn't in the spirit for "Pride" today, sorry to say. After yesterday, when I went to the Dyke Rally in Dolores Park and had to leave after about twenty minutes due to sudden onset of acute depression (some people get 'anxiety' in social situations, but with me it's that I tend to be overwhelmed by alienation and then I sink into a...
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lilitu23:
Sorry you missed it. But I guess I missed it, too...
sunshineblack:
i also get a lot more depressed when in social situations, and when alone it almost passes, btw i see you are self medicating and wondering if you are giving whatever you are taking at the moment enough time to take full effect
i know mine takes at least two weeks and the first days it gets worst but its worth it
i know mine takes at least two weeks and the first days it gets worst but its worth it