Slept in late again till ten. Woke up with a feeling of loss, poignant sense of intimacy unrealized and evaporating before ever blossoming. Dreamed I met Christine Perfect (McVie of Fleetwood Mac) standing at a service counter in an airport, or was it somewhere I was working. I walked up to her hesitantly to tell her how much I enjoyed her music when I was young and heard those early records on WBCN in Boston. She seemed genuinely pleased to hear my words and responded warmly. I noticed my voice was really weak and faint, I could not speak up, so I had to stand close to her to make myself heard. I think she was called away before we could finish our conversation. She had a young boy with her, a son of hers I assumed.
Yesterday I got my first royalty check. My payments for twelve months of digital MP3 sales over the internet (that includes all the retail outlets where my label Pimalia sells their releases: Amazon, iTunes, eMusic, Napster, Rhapsody, etc) amounted to $3.04. That's the net sum (the gross figures for sales of my tracks were around $23, I'm supposed to get 50% minus the operating costs of the label like advertising and administration). I guess I had better not quit my day job. Wait a minute. I don't have a day job. Shit.
Yesterday in my support group the leader of the group who is a transgender counselor told me an interesting fact (not sure if it is a statistical thing or just anecdotal): that many men who start transitioning with female hormones begin to feel less of an urge to cross-dress when their testosterone levels go down. That is exactly what has happened in the two weeks since I started the spironolactone (which blocks testosterone). I have felt less and less like dressing up or wearing makeup. I feel like I am going back into the closet. I just feel more timid, insecure and reclusive. I am not feeling so compelled to seek sex or romance as I was before. I can't say that I am more depressed, just mostly withdrawn.
I went to volunteer at the pound yesterday but the second floor where the cats and volunteers go was closed due to some unexplained emergency, according to a sign on the door. Weird. I am not sure I want to imagine what happened to cause a municipal agency that is open seven days a week to the public to close up on a Wednesday. I will go again today to try to see the kitties.
There is a movie I really want to see tonight called Diagnosing Difference which is about transgender treatment and is screening for free at the LGBT Center. But I cannot go because I start my new transgender support group tonight at 6:00 pm (movie starts at 7:30 and I wouldn't have time to get there). I hope this turns out to be a good group. I think it will. But I'm not even sure at this stage if I belong in a transgender group. I'm just feeling like I'm drifting further away from my MTF inclinations. I feel kind of sad about that, but maybe it will be for the best if that's what happens.
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In other news, Facebook removed my "Lesbians" fan page. I got the following note from administration today:
The group "Lesbians" has been removed because it violated our Terms of Use. Among other things, groups that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down groups that attack an individual or group, or advertise a product or service. Continued misuse of Facebook's features could result in your account being disabled.
If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page at http://www.facebook.com/help.php?topic=wgroups
For the record, there was nothing hateful, threatening or obscene (no sexual or nude pictures) on there. I guess it could have been viewed as 'objectification'...
The fact of the matter is: I really don't care.
Yesterday I got my first royalty check. My payments for twelve months of digital MP3 sales over the internet (that includes all the retail outlets where my label Pimalia sells their releases: Amazon, iTunes, eMusic, Napster, Rhapsody, etc) amounted to $3.04. That's the net sum (the gross figures for sales of my tracks were around $23, I'm supposed to get 50% minus the operating costs of the label like advertising and administration). I guess I had better not quit my day job. Wait a minute. I don't have a day job. Shit.
Yesterday in my support group the leader of the group who is a transgender counselor told me an interesting fact (not sure if it is a statistical thing or just anecdotal): that many men who start transitioning with female hormones begin to feel less of an urge to cross-dress when their testosterone levels go down. That is exactly what has happened in the two weeks since I started the spironolactone (which blocks testosterone). I have felt less and less like dressing up or wearing makeup. I feel like I am going back into the closet. I just feel more timid, insecure and reclusive. I am not feeling so compelled to seek sex or romance as I was before. I can't say that I am more depressed, just mostly withdrawn.
I went to volunteer at the pound yesterday but the second floor where the cats and volunteers go was closed due to some unexplained emergency, according to a sign on the door. Weird. I am not sure I want to imagine what happened to cause a municipal agency that is open seven days a week to the public to close up on a Wednesday. I will go again today to try to see the kitties.
There is a movie I really want to see tonight called Diagnosing Difference which is about transgender treatment and is screening for free at the LGBT Center. But I cannot go because I start my new transgender support group tonight at 6:00 pm (movie starts at 7:30 and I wouldn't have time to get there). I hope this turns out to be a good group. I think it will. But I'm not even sure at this stage if I belong in a transgender group. I'm just feeling like I'm drifting further away from my MTF inclinations. I feel kind of sad about that, but maybe it will be for the best if that's what happens.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
In other news, Facebook removed my "Lesbians" fan page. I got the following note from administration today:
The group "Lesbians" has been removed because it violated our Terms of Use. Among other things, groups that are hateful, threatening, or obscene are not allowed. We also take down groups that attack an individual or group, or advertise a product or service. Continued misuse of Facebook's features could result in your account being disabled.
If you have any questions or concerns, you can visit our FAQ page at http://www.facebook.com/help.php?topic=wgroups
For the record, there was nothing hateful, threatening or obscene (no sexual or nude pictures) on there. I guess it could have been viewed as 'objectification'...
The fact of the matter is: I really don't care.
This is a prefabricated message (definitely copy pasted) to say thank you for leaving a comment on my new set. I would totally write you something sweet and personal but unfortunately I have laundry to do and dogs to feed... and....
Yeah, ok. I'm just lazy
Thank You!
xo