This is blog #2 for today (see previous entry for more info)...
My mood improved dramatically today. I got my UI benefit check in the mail. I received a package from Soleilmoon of a Boyd Rice book I'd ordered (they somehow lost my order for the 6 Comm CD I placed at the same time, so I had to call them and reorder it). I put on some makeup and left the house, feeling good with a spring in my step on a fine sunny day. I went to the bank to deposit it, stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my Estradiol, and then went to the job search workshop that TEEI presented.
I left the job search workshop feeling despondent, resentful, self-hating, and sullenly hostile.
It seems like even thinking about looking for a job is enough to send me into an emotional nosedive. Thinking about all the work and time and energy involved in the employment search, and thinking of all the rejection and indifference I've experienced so far, and am likely to continue to experience... thinking about all this makes me want to just throw myself in front of an oncoming bus.
How can I change my attitude around this? If I continue to think negatively, I am increasing the likelihood of yielding negative results in the job search. If I try to think positively, I am invariably confronted with all the negative evidence I've so far received which suggests that I am utterly unwanted in the job market, and then reason that to think positively would be like thinking that the Democrats in Congress will suddenly vote in single-payer healthcare, or vote to withdraw all funding for Iraqi and Afghanistan occupations. I am not one to buy into such fantastic expectations...
One solution is to just not think about the job search, and that way my mood will not be threatened. Problem with that is someday in the next several months my UI benefits will run out and I will have no income and no savings to live on, being forced to apply for GA and then try to live on $400 or less a month.
Another solution would be to do the job search work anyway, and try not to let the depressing aspects of it ruin my life. Or take antidepressant meds to try to counteract it.
There are other approaches, which don't especially qualify as solutions. CRIME - I'm not really clever enough or bold enough to take up a line of behavior for monetary gain that is illegal and has a high risk of landing me in jail. If someone came to me with an offer to take part in 'the perfect crime' I would certainly consider it!
I need to think outside the box (to use an expression popular with those who are fond of cliches). If I'm not wanted in the mainstream job market, then how else can I find 'gainful employment' or 'right livelihood' (more cliches)? Go live on a farming commune and just drop out of the whole bullshit system? Become a very energetic and ingenious busker? Some of the unconventional possibilities call for personal attributes that I don't really have in spades, like resourcefulness, self-confidence, ambition, etc...
All I can conclude right now is that I am just screwed. shit outta luck, and destined for chronic poverty and homelessness.
My mood improved dramatically today. I got my UI benefit check in the mail. I received a package from Soleilmoon of a Boyd Rice book I'd ordered (they somehow lost my order for the 6 Comm CD I placed at the same time, so I had to call them and reorder it). I put on some makeup and left the house, feeling good with a spring in my step on a fine sunny day. I went to the bank to deposit it, stopped at the pharmacy to pick up my Estradiol, and then went to the job search workshop that TEEI presented.
I left the job search workshop feeling despondent, resentful, self-hating, and sullenly hostile.
It seems like even thinking about looking for a job is enough to send me into an emotional nosedive. Thinking about all the work and time and energy involved in the employment search, and thinking of all the rejection and indifference I've experienced so far, and am likely to continue to experience... thinking about all this makes me want to just throw myself in front of an oncoming bus.
How can I change my attitude around this? If I continue to think negatively, I am increasing the likelihood of yielding negative results in the job search. If I try to think positively, I am invariably confronted with all the negative evidence I've so far received which suggests that I am utterly unwanted in the job market, and then reason that to think positively would be like thinking that the Democrats in Congress will suddenly vote in single-payer healthcare, or vote to withdraw all funding for Iraqi and Afghanistan occupations. I am not one to buy into such fantastic expectations...
One solution is to just not think about the job search, and that way my mood will not be threatened. Problem with that is someday in the next several months my UI benefits will run out and I will have no income and no savings to live on, being forced to apply for GA and then try to live on $400 or less a month.
Another solution would be to do the job search work anyway, and try not to let the depressing aspects of it ruin my life. Or take antidepressant meds to try to counteract it.
There are other approaches, which don't especially qualify as solutions. CRIME - I'm not really clever enough or bold enough to take up a line of behavior for monetary gain that is illegal and has a high risk of landing me in jail. If someone came to me with an offer to take part in 'the perfect crime' I would certainly consider it!
I need to think outside the box (to use an expression popular with those who are fond of cliches). If I'm not wanted in the mainstream job market, then how else can I find 'gainful employment' or 'right livelihood' (more cliches)? Go live on a farming commune and just drop out of the whole bullshit system? Become a very energetic and ingenious busker? Some of the unconventional possibilities call for personal attributes that I don't really have in spades, like resourcefulness, self-confidence, ambition, etc...
All I can conclude right now is that I am just screwed. shit outta luck, and destined for chronic poverty and homelessness.