Today is Day 10 on the Premarin estrogen supplement, 2.5mg daily, and I still can't say I really feel a definite effect from the hormone. I'm in a pretty okay mood these past few days, having achieved a bit of satisfaction in working on my music, but I still have dips of self-doubt and melancholy. I have been occasionally very irritable, but no more so than is usual for me.
Sometimes I feel that I don't want to bother with all the makeup that I have got in the habit of putting on everyday before I leave the house. And I'm not wearing skirts so much lately. It seems okay, since lots of women do wear pants, and go without makeup... so why should I have to try to look and dress girlie all the time?
I also feel that if I keep on going with the hormones (for a year or longer) I am just going to end up becoming a freak - a man with breasts - and no woman is ever going to be interested in me sexually. But I almost kind of feel okay with that, since I've for the most part given up on seriously hoping or expecting that I'm ever going to find someone I'm attracted to who is attracted to me in the same way. I've tried being a 'normal' heterosexual male and it hasn't brought me much success in the love and sex and romance department... I've tried it for fifty years. So fuck it. I think that I might just end up liking myself more as a 'she-male' and if I don't, then fine, I can live with having tits. If people spurn and scorn and ridicule me, then let them. I've gotten pretty used to being alone and marginalized, ostracized and rejected. And if I can't ever hope to be a woman in this life, I want to at least feel like one...
Sometimes I feel that I don't want to bother with all the makeup that I have got in the habit of putting on everyday before I leave the house. And I'm not wearing skirts so much lately. It seems okay, since lots of women do wear pants, and go without makeup... so why should I have to try to look and dress girlie all the time?
I also feel that if I keep on going with the hormones (for a year or longer) I am just going to end up becoming a freak - a man with breasts - and no woman is ever going to be interested in me sexually. But I almost kind of feel okay with that, since I've for the most part given up on seriously hoping or expecting that I'm ever going to find someone I'm attracted to who is attracted to me in the same way. I've tried being a 'normal' heterosexual male and it hasn't brought me much success in the love and sex and romance department... I've tried it for fifty years. So fuck it. I think that I might just end up liking myself more as a 'she-male' and if I don't, then fine, I can live with having tits. If people spurn and scorn and ridicule me, then let them. I've gotten pretty used to being alone and marginalized, ostracized and rejected. And if I can't ever hope to be a woman in this life, I want to at least feel like one...