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lilitu23

San Francisco

Member Since 2009

Followers 117 Following 134

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Monday Jul 13, 2009

Jul 13, 2009
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It is Monday afternoon. I went to bed at ten pm last night, slept well, and woke up at 9:30 am, then laid in bed until 10:40 before deciding at last to get up. I have showered, eaten breakfast, and completed my morning routine of checking email and visiting my usual websites to see what's up.

This morning I took my first dose of Premarin, one 1.25mg tablet, and tonight I will take another dose of the same amount. And I took the one baby aspirin pill that the doctor recommended taking with the hormones (along with the usual multi-vitamin supplement I take everyday). I am having mixed feelings about taking female hormones. My best hope is that shifting the balance of male/female hormones to where testosterone is reduced to insignificant levels and estrogen is boosted will bring about a congruence between my biochemistry and my psyche, and I will begin to feel more integrated, whole and balanced, that my mood will be lifted and that my self-image and sense of vitality and integrity will be enhanced. I don't expect that it will make me look more like a woman overall, though I do expect I might get softer skin and some kind of breast growth, perhaps my body fat will become redistributed to my hips. My short-term fear is that it will make me more emotionally unstable, perhaps even more depressed - this could be a real problem given the fact that I have an important public concert to prepare for that will happen in ten days, and I don't want to come down with a crippling attack of stage fright, or become even more self-doubting than I already am. And long-term, I'm afraid that if my breast growth is very noticeable, then what is that going to mean? Other inborn physical attributes will ensure that I will never pass as a real woman, while breasts will prevent me from ever being perceived as a normal man. I may end up stuck in the middle, in a situation of societal discrimination that I find unmanageable.

Only time will tell if the changes these hormones will bring are going to be significant, desirable, or unexpected. In two weeks, once I have got a sense of what the effects of the Premarin are, I am going to add the spironolactone testosterone-blocker to my daily hormone therapy program.

Last night I took my instruments out of their cases so that I can today start playing again. It's been about two months since I played my horns, and over four months since I made any new music. I have to at least get the hang of playing my bass clarinet and flute again, so I can use them in my upcoming concert, and ensure that they are in playable condition in case I might need to bring either instrument in to the shop for adjustment. And I have to go over the programming of the pre-recorded material and all the effects settings, so I can figure out exactly what I will do at this concert and how I will do it. There is no longer any time to procrastinate without bringing on a greater risk of failure by going into this situation without proper rehearsal. I am kind of looking forward to playing my horns again, and making some music, and at the same time I am dreading it.

Oh, and I read the fine print on my Premarin pamphlet. Seems like if I consume grapefruit in any form while I am taking this med, I will run into some possible risks from elevating the level of estrogen in my bloodstream. Who'da thunk it? Grapefruit Drug Interactions
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
lilitu23:
As for the stereotypical "raging female hormones" what little research I've done online so far seems to suggest that this phenomenon which biological women are known to be prone to is mainly associated with the periodic fluctuations in hormone levels during the menstrual cycle. Transgendered women as a rule take a steady dose of hormones and so we do not typically experience this sort of emotional roller coaster effect.

What I can expect to experience, however, is a second puberty, this time as my system is flooded with an elevation of female hormones. That is bound to come with its own characteristic emotional effects...
Jul 13, 2009
jcloven:
my bass soothes my restless heart.
Jul 13, 2009

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