Med schedule for today and tomorrow, Wed July 1 & Thu July 2: two 500mg capsules L-tyrosine first thing in the morning and two more at noon; two 500mg tablets tryptophan at mid-afternoon and two more at bedtime. That's a total of 1000mg each of tyrosine and tryptophan per day. Plus the usual multi-vitamin supplement, twice a day.
I had a very hard time waking and getting up when the alarm went off at 8:00 am. Felt sleepy for an hour but now I am awake, not too depressed but mildly anxious. Just made a $52 payment on my credit card, leaving me $8 in the bank, and $13 in cash on hand. I need to spend $15 on a monthly transit sticker for my disabled card since they just raised the price from $12 to $15, the bastards. Great, now I will have to go to the bank and withdraw a couple dollars in order to buy the sticker before they sell out this month. Then I will be just about flat broke for another week till I get my next benefit check. And I had planned to attend the next Society of Janus orientation next Monday, having missed the orientation meetings the last three months, but I will need $5 to pay for the orientation and another $40 if I want to sign up as a member. Might as well forget about SOJ for another month. And forget about going to see my friend Brent's band Three Day Stubble next Wednesday since I will surely be penniless the day before I get my check.
Gender issues. I saw my therapist yesterday. Still planning on going ahead with the female hormones if the doctor will prescribe and if my city resident health plan will pay for that. But right now, I feel all filled with doubt. I don't want to be a woman anymore than I want to be a man. I would prefer to just *disappear*. Well, today I have my weekly transgender support group to go to at New Leaf, and then after that I may check out another TG support group that happens weekly in the Tenderloin. I need all the support I can get right now.
If I were able to go on hormones and get the sexual reassignment surgery today, and have it fully paid for, I'd do it without a second thought. What have I got to lose, except my 'manhood'... manhood, what a joke...
Oh, and today is the two-year anniversary of being clean and sober, since my last liquor and cocaine binge at the end of June 2007. If I was in 'the program' I could go collect a *chip*... maybe I will use my last couple dollars and go to the grocery store and buy a whole bag of chips. No 12-step for me. And I have also missed my last two tobacco prayer ceremonies that I was trying to make a habit of going to every Tuesday evening. Just didn't feel like going last night. Might just decide to stop going to that...
This morning I woke up in the middle of a dream. I was with some coterie of missionaries or something in an airplane. We're looking down on an island in the ocean as if from a satellite, zooming in. The man explains to me (he resembles the supervisor I had at the Copy Central where I worked in the early 1990s, I forget his name, clean-cut National Guard man) where we are going as he points down on a 3D map below us. It is some island in the vicinity of Haiti or the Dominican Republic but he names it 'Maori' (which is New Zealand). We fly down up close over the land and it is like looking at a miniature world under a microscope. It's an inactive volcano that has been made into a glorious cathedral where services are held. The inside of the church is the interior of the volcano. On land now, I admire the architecture, and think of Patti Smith, and there is a long outdoor corridor at the entry to the church with shelves of bread of all kinds, many loaves, placed there as offerings. I want to select a loaf and stash it away for myself to eat later on but I must choose one of the day-old ones, not the ones delivered fresh this morning. I want one of the ciabatta loaves that look like a giant bialy, with garlic in the middle, I can smell it. There are Catholic clergymen officiating, with those cardinal hats and robes. Then I woke up...
I had a very hard time waking and getting up when the alarm went off at 8:00 am. Felt sleepy for an hour but now I am awake, not too depressed but mildly anxious. Just made a $52 payment on my credit card, leaving me $8 in the bank, and $13 in cash on hand. I need to spend $15 on a monthly transit sticker for my disabled card since they just raised the price from $12 to $15, the bastards. Great, now I will have to go to the bank and withdraw a couple dollars in order to buy the sticker before they sell out this month. Then I will be just about flat broke for another week till I get my next benefit check. And I had planned to attend the next Society of Janus orientation next Monday, having missed the orientation meetings the last three months, but I will need $5 to pay for the orientation and another $40 if I want to sign up as a member. Might as well forget about SOJ for another month. And forget about going to see my friend Brent's band Three Day Stubble next Wednesday since I will surely be penniless the day before I get my check.
Gender issues. I saw my therapist yesterday. Still planning on going ahead with the female hormones if the doctor will prescribe and if my city resident health plan will pay for that. But right now, I feel all filled with doubt. I don't want to be a woman anymore than I want to be a man. I would prefer to just *disappear*. Well, today I have my weekly transgender support group to go to at New Leaf, and then after that I may check out another TG support group that happens weekly in the Tenderloin. I need all the support I can get right now.
If I were able to go on hormones and get the sexual reassignment surgery today, and have it fully paid for, I'd do it without a second thought. What have I got to lose, except my 'manhood'... manhood, what a joke...
Oh, and today is the two-year anniversary of being clean and sober, since my last liquor and cocaine binge at the end of June 2007. If I was in 'the program' I could go collect a *chip*... maybe I will use my last couple dollars and go to the grocery store and buy a whole bag of chips. No 12-step for me. And I have also missed my last two tobacco prayer ceremonies that I was trying to make a habit of going to every Tuesday evening. Just didn't feel like going last night. Might just decide to stop going to that...
This morning I woke up in the middle of a dream. I was with some coterie of missionaries or something in an airplane. We're looking down on an island in the ocean as if from a satellite, zooming in. The man explains to me (he resembles the supervisor I had at the Copy Central where I worked in the early 1990s, I forget his name, clean-cut National Guard man) where we are going as he points down on a 3D map below us. It is some island in the vicinity of Haiti or the Dominican Republic but he names it 'Maori' (which is New Zealand). We fly down up close over the land and it is like looking at a miniature world under a microscope. It's an inactive volcano that has been made into a glorious cathedral where services are held. The inside of the church is the interior of the volcano. On land now, I admire the architecture, and think of Patti Smith, and there is a long outdoor corridor at the entry to the church with shelves of bread of all kinds, many loaves, placed there as offerings. I want to select a loaf and stash it away for myself to eat later on but I must choose one of the day-old ones, not the ones delivered fresh this morning. I want one of the ciabatta loaves that look like a giant bialy, with garlic in the middle, I can smell it. There are Catholic clergymen officiating, with those cardinal hats and robes. Then I woke up...
lilitu23:
Well, they say that laughter is the best medicine, and I think I just overdosed!