Well, I really wasn't in the spirit for "Pride" today, sorry to say. After yesterday, when I went to the Dyke Rally in Dolores Park and had to leave after about twenty minutes due to sudden onset of acute depression (some people get 'anxiety' in social situations, but with me it's that I tend to be overwhelmed by alienation and then I sink into a taciturn withdrawal and emotional shutdown when I'm around a mob of 'shiny happy people'), I figured today's LGBT Pride March was out of the question. I stayed home all morning and shaved my body as I usually do every Sunday. Then I did my laundry, downloaded a Nick Drake album (Time Of No Reply, the posthumous collection from 1986) and burned it to CD, and then I actually did take a ride downtown to the Pride Celebration at the Civic Center park and plaza.
My God, what a swarming mass of people: partying eating drinking cavorting and spending lots of money at the scores of food and drink and merch booths (there was a long long line at the Wells Fargo ATM machines). I'm as poor as a church mouse, so no refreshments for me. I wandered around the crowd for about twenty minutes, and saw and greeted only one person I knew... so at least I wasn't a complete stranger. But I couldn't take the density of people people people, and took BART back to the Mission where some people I know were having a low-key 'concert' in the alley outside their flat. Noise music, mostly, except William Winant (world-class orchestral percussionist and former session player for Sonic Youth) premiered a piece for xylophone written by Roscoe Mitchell. The music was free and so was lots of great home-cooked food. I saw and spoke with a few people I knew, including my good friend Brent. But it got cold, and I went home before it was over.
I just feel damaged. Fucked up. Totally alienated from everyone. But since I'm alone most of the time, I don't notice it too much, and it's manageable.
Can't say at this point if the tryptophan really helped me this past week or not. It definitely made me sleep sounder and caused me to have more difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I don't know if I will take it again, go back on the tyrosine, or what. I hope that when I start taking the female hormones, I will experience some emotional benefits, and maybe feel more 'okay with myself' because I don't feel very much okay the way I am now. I feel like all I am doing is biding my time until December 21, 2012...
My God, what a swarming mass of people: partying eating drinking cavorting and spending lots of money at the scores of food and drink and merch booths (there was a long long line at the Wells Fargo ATM machines). I'm as poor as a church mouse, so no refreshments for me. I wandered around the crowd for about twenty minutes, and saw and greeted only one person I knew... so at least I wasn't a complete stranger. But I couldn't take the density of people people people, and took BART back to the Mission where some people I know were having a low-key 'concert' in the alley outside their flat. Noise music, mostly, except William Winant (world-class orchestral percussionist and former session player for Sonic Youth) premiered a piece for xylophone written by Roscoe Mitchell. The music was free and so was lots of great home-cooked food. I saw and spoke with a few people I knew, including my good friend Brent. But it got cold, and I went home before it was over.
I just feel damaged. Fucked up. Totally alienated from everyone. But since I'm alone most of the time, I don't notice it too much, and it's manageable.
Can't say at this point if the tryptophan really helped me this past week or not. It definitely made me sleep sounder and caused me to have more difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I don't know if I will take it again, go back on the tyrosine, or what. I hope that when I start taking the female hormones, I will experience some emotional benefits, and maybe feel more 'okay with myself' because I don't feel very much okay the way I am now. I feel like all I am doing is biding my time until December 21, 2012...
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i know mine takes at least two weeks and the first days it gets worst but its worth it