It's been quite a few days since anyone posted a comment on any of my blogs. I was starting to feel neglected and ignored. But when I give it some more thought, I come to conclude, "What does it matter?" I mean, it's nice to have some cute young sexy lady take notice of what I write or post here, but in the end it means next to nothing. A wink or a smile from a stranger on the bus would mean more. There are a lot of fine people here, on this site and on the internet generally (as well as some fucktards too, of course), so I'm not dissing anyone. It's just that I mean to say, this semblance of a life we create on the internet is really quite insubstantial. It's possible for two people to become true friends on the internet (it's happened to me certainly) but that's not generally the level of relations here. You know, it's just casual chat and superficial greetings. But I'm glad to be here, for what it's worth.
Anyway, I have come to conclude that I really don't care that much if anyone reads what I write here, or responds to it. Because I've decided that I am going to start using this SG blog as a journal, to record my thoughts and feelings and significant events and activities, etc. And in a way, I kind of like that it is a public space to air my reflections while at the same time being private enough that almost none of my friends or acquaintances are ever going to see what I write here, nor is the general public - and my decision to have a SG profile under a pseudonym is key here, in that I don't want potential employers or fans of my music (as if I had any fans) to necessarily know every strange thought or feeling or behavior I choose to confess to having. So, I'm going to write what I feel is worth recording here, for whatever reasons. And if anyone does actually read what I write in these blogs and wants to comment, I'm glad to receive your public or private responses (and I won't feel hurt of no one ever posts a single comment, either).
Presently the main reason is that I want to keep track of what my feelings and perceptions are as I continue to experiment with various nutritional remedies for my depression. I tried 5-HTP a few weeks ago and it did nothing for my mood - in fact, I was more depressed that week than ever, owing to external circumstances in my life that weren't ameliorated by the 5-HTP. Then I tried tryptophan, and it seemed to lift my mood for the week I was taking it. But I couldn't say now if it was more a matter of placebo effect, coincidence, or what. The following week I discontinued tryptophan and started tyrosine for a week, which gave me more energy but made it harder to fall asleep at night. Also, I got serious lower back pain while on the tyrosine, which I thought might have been related, but in retrospect probably wasn't, since i stopped the tyrosine after four days and the back pain persisted for another week (it's gradually getting better now).
This week I went back on the tryptophan and I want to keep a record here of my mood so I can maybe arrive at a more qualified conclusion as to whether it is helping my depression or not. I think it is. I took a minimal dose on Monday Tuesday Wednesday of 500mg twice daily, and my mood on all three days was definitely improved. I felt bright and bouyant during the daytime, and I even felt like going out dancing last night. But then yesterday my mood started slumping again toward evening. I went out to a dance club anyway, and met this t-girl I'd connected with online. And when I got there, it was the same old story. I felt intimidated by the loudness of the music and all the people who were more beautiful than me and who were drinking and appeared to be having a good time. I was too inhibited and uptight to dance, and it was too loud to talk to anyone. Well, I had a brief conversation with this other CD I had met previously in a cafe. The conclusion is that I do not belong in these type of nightclub environments where drinking is de rigeur and the focus is on being cool and looking hot. I mean, I wanted to get dressed up and look attractive and go out to see and be seen... but then when I get there I don't know what to do with myself! "I am the son, I am the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar, I am the son and heir of nothing in particular..."
The stupid thing is, I went to this same club (Bondage A Go Go, trendy BDSM themed dance night, kind of hokey, really) two weeks ago and had a miserable time and told myself I wouldn't ever bother going back. And last night I went back, using the excuse that I was going to meet this Austrian TS I had written to online. Well, I met her, and ran into the other CD I had met previously, but even though this time I didn't end up all alone at the club and wasn't a complete stranger to everyone there, I still didn't have any fun. It was a waste of my energy, time, and $13 which I can ill afford to spend carelessly at this point when I am barely going to pay rent next month and have anything left over for two weeks until the next UI benefit check. I feel like an idiot. But whatever...
For three days on the tryptophan I felt quite good, but today I am feeling down. I stayed in bed till after eleven am, and wanted to stay longer. I feel like I have some things I want to do today (like write this blog) but part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and goof off on Facebook all day and accomplish nothing, as usual. But apart from the lack of motivation or drive, I also feel genuinely sad. Maybe it was the music I was just listening to (Nico, and Brendan Perry), or maybe it was reading that Farrah Fawcett died today (not that I was ever a fan, but it is just that she was 'big' at a time in my life when I was really doing well and enjoying my life, the late 70s, and so her passing reminds me of those times and how much more empty and alone I feel today). And she died of anal cancer, that's gotta be a hard way to go. Yeah, I don't know, I feel more 'blue' than just plain old depressed.
So that's how I'm feeling today after three days of tryptophan (1000mg a day). Today I am upping the dose to 2000mg a day, and will see if my mood changes, or if other side effects appear.
Lastly, the other thing I really want to start using this blog for is as a journal for when I start my female hormone therapy next month. I plan to write something here everyday about what I am feeling/thinking/sensing while I am on the hormones. I am really looking forward to the experience of seeing the world through a woman's eyes and interpreting life with the mind of a woman, insofar as the hormones will rebalance my brain chemistry to a more female sensibility, which is what I expect the hormones will do. Naturally, I don't believe that they will make me fully female, since I will not have a womb and the ability to nurture and grow life inside of me, nor will hormones give me a lifetime of female acculturation and the conditioning of what and how it is to be a woman. I hope and expect that I will experience a fundamental shift in my psyche and emotional perspective.
More will be revealed...
Anyway, I have come to conclude that I really don't care that much if anyone reads what I write here, or responds to it. Because I've decided that I am going to start using this SG blog as a journal, to record my thoughts and feelings and significant events and activities, etc. And in a way, I kind of like that it is a public space to air my reflections while at the same time being private enough that almost none of my friends or acquaintances are ever going to see what I write here, nor is the general public - and my decision to have a SG profile under a pseudonym is key here, in that I don't want potential employers or fans of my music (as if I had any fans) to necessarily know every strange thought or feeling or behavior I choose to confess to having. So, I'm going to write what I feel is worth recording here, for whatever reasons. And if anyone does actually read what I write in these blogs and wants to comment, I'm glad to receive your public or private responses (and I won't feel hurt of no one ever posts a single comment, either).
Presently the main reason is that I want to keep track of what my feelings and perceptions are as I continue to experiment with various nutritional remedies for my depression. I tried 5-HTP a few weeks ago and it did nothing for my mood - in fact, I was more depressed that week than ever, owing to external circumstances in my life that weren't ameliorated by the 5-HTP. Then I tried tryptophan, and it seemed to lift my mood for the week I was taking it. But I couldn't say now if it was more a matter of placebo effect, coincidence, or what. The following week I discontinued tryptophan and started tyrosine for a week, which gave me more energy but made it harder to fall asleep at night. Also, I got serious lower back pain while on the tyrosine, which I thought might have been related, but in retrospect probably wasn't, since i stopped the tyrosine after four days and the back pain persisted for another week (it's gradually getting better now).
This week I went back on the tryptophan and I want to keep a record here of my mood so I can maybe arrive at a more qualified conclusion as to whether it is helping my depression or not. I think it is. I took a minimal dose on Monday Tuesday Wednesday of 500mg twice daily, and my mood on all three days was definitely improved. I felt bright and bouyant during the daytime, and I even felt like going out dancing last night. But then yesterday my mood started slumping again toward evening. I went out to a dance club anyway, and met this t-girl I'd connected with online. And when I got there, it was the same old story. I felt intimidated by the loudness of the music and all the people who were more beautiful than me and who were drinking and appeared to be having a good time. I was too inhibited and uptight to dance, and it was too loud to talk to anyone. Well, I had a brief conversation with this other CD I had met previously in a cafe. The conclusion is that I do not belong in these type of nightclub environments where drinking is de rigeur and the focus is on being cool and looking hot. I mean, I wanted to get dressed up and look attractive and go out to see and be seen... but then when I get there I don't know what to do with myself! "I am the son, I am the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar, I am the son and heir of nothing in particular..."
The stupid thing is, I went to this same club (Bondage A Go Go, trendy BDSM themed dance night, kind of hokey, really) two weeks ago and had a miserable time and told myself I wouldn't ever bother going back. And last night I went back, using the excuse that I was going to meet this Austrian TS I had written to online. Well, I met her, and ran into the other CD I had met previously, but even though this time I didn't end up all alone at the club and wasn't a complete stranger to everyone there, I still didn't have any fun. It was a waste of my energy, time, and $13 which I can ill afford to spend carelessly at this point when I am barely going to pay rent next month and have anything left over for two weeks until the next UI benefit check. I feel like an idiot. But whatever...
For three days on the tryptophan I felt quite good, but today I am feeling down. I stayed in bed till after eleven am, and wanted to stay longer. I feel like I have some things I want to do today (like write this blog) but part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and goof off on Facebook all day and accomplish nothing, as usual. But apart from the lack of motivation or drive, I also feel genuinely sad. Maybe it was the music I was just listening to (Nico, and Brendan Perry), or maybe it was reading that Farrah Fawcett died today (not that I was ever a fan, but it is just that she was 'big' at a time in my life when I was really doing well and enjoying my life, the late 70s, and so her passing reminds me of those times and how much more empty and alone I feel today). And she died of anal cancer, that's gotta be a hard way to go. Yeah, I don't know, I feel more 'blue' than just plain old depressed.
So that's how I'm feeling today after three days of tryptophan (1000mg a day). Today I am upping the dose to 2000mg a day, and will see if my mood changes, or if other side effects appear.
Lastly, the other thing I really want to start using this blog for is as a journal for when I start my female hormone therapy next month. I plan to write something here everyday about what I am feeling/thinking/sensing while I am on the hormones. I am really looking forward to the experience of seeing the world through a woman's eyes and interpreting life with the mind of a woman, insofar as the hormones will rebalance my brain chemistry to a more female sensibility, which is what I expect the hormones will do. Naturally, I don't believe that they will make me fully female, since I will not have a womb and the ability to nurture and grow life inside of me, nor will hormones give me a lifetime of female acculturation and the conditioning of what and how it is to be a woman. I hope and expect that I will experience a fundamental shift in my psyche and emotional perspective.
More will be revealed...
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
lilitu23:
I'm happy that you do read it... heaven knows I don't take the time to read anyone's blog here or elsewhere on more than an occasional basis (seldom if ever), so it's not like I would expect anyone else to read mine...
lilitu23:
Now it occurs to me that the mood of sadness I'm experiencing today is certainly related to the celebrity deaths of the past few hours. I mentioned Farrah, but I also learned that Sky Saxon and MJ died today. Not that I am shedding any tears over MJ (liked the J5 and early Motown stuff but hated the later records), but when someone that famous dies and the news spreads, there is a wave of grief that rolls across the field of human consciousness, and one can't help but be affected by that.