lighthammer

Okay, so I am in one seriosily fucked up angry mood right now, the kind of mood that makes me want to slam my head into a wall, that makes me want to start cutting digits off or drag a sharp piece of glass across my face. It's this internal feeling of helpless rage at how ive manged to totally fuck up my life to a point where i'm stuck in bland routine, at a point where ive never felt so lonely in my entire life.

Maybe I should start from the beginning. Shot today with Andrew, which usually puts me in a good mood. But then we had to go to a friends of his memorial day party..and the day started it's downslide there. First off, not being able to drink in front of Andrew REALLY sucks when it's like 90 degrees outside, and the only soda they have is Pepsi, and pepsi, as we all know, truly is the most vile thing on earth, up there with SARS and crappy daytime TV. Anyway, so this puts me in a bad mood, but to make matters worse I see Andrew being his normal amazing self around all these people, and i'm so damn shy I cant even take my sunglasses off, standing in a corner not looking at anyone, thirsty and hot and getting really annoyed.

So we leave and Then he starts talking about all the woman he found attractive there, so I, being the complete fucking nitwit I am, make the mistake of mentioning someone I found attractive. Well, Andrew and all of his friends do not approve at all of my taste in woman. They actually really dont approve of me in any sense of the word. Andrew is trying to teach me how to meet woman, but he wants me to change into something im' not. The rest of the day turned into a 6 hour critique about how A) What a shitty dresser I am B) How i'm a fucking child with no adult tastes and how woman will never find me attractive unless I change C) How Gay my hair looks and D) How all my mannerisms make me look like either a girl or a retarted monkey.

I know i'm ranting now but I just in this really bad place right now and it's either I rant and rave on here or go and do somethign stupid, so i'll rant and rave and you can skip this posting because I probably sound like a complete retard. But I am never going to change. I am a simple person, and I like what I like. I will not wear khaki pants or dress shirts or old navy, I will dress in jeans and a T-shirt and wear my boots. I will not ever be any good at mingling, I will not ever be comfortable in places where there are strangers, and I am happy with that. I will not meet the woman who is "right for me" at one of these damn shithole expensive nightclubs they take me, where the woman are more interested in what kind of car you drive then who you are. And I will never, ever, ever ever be Andrew, and that, I think, is what is really bothering me, the fact that he's so perfect and next to him I just feel like this insignificant little pile of dog shit, that I love him so much and I shouldnt' because he's my friend, and that I Feel ashamed of who I am when I compare myself to him. That I feel so tired of feeling like everyone around me is so much smarter and more sociable and normal, and I alwasy feel like i'm existing at the fringe of it, and like that's never going to change. ANd i'm fucking LONELY, goddammit, I'm tired of all these stupid games, I want someone special in my life who isnt' a complete nutcase, who's going to love me for who I am and love spending time with me, and find me, yes ME, attractive. And most of all, I need a goddamn drink because i'm out of wine.

I spent. Im' going to bed now.