Does anyone ever accually read these things? Probably not. Good. So i'm like stuck right now. I don't know what the problem is but I just don't know what is going on in my life. It took me 4 years to get to were I am today. Four long, hard years filled with blood sweat and tears. And now that I'm here...I don't know. I have all the things that I've ever wanted. You know the computer, the car, the independence(personal finacial,) and I feel.....empty. I'd like to think that I'm too cynical to be writting stuff like this but I feel like i'm about to explode. I have no one in my life. Well, except for a couple of old friends that live about an hour away from here. But I don't keep anyone in the loop. I was proud of my freedom from everyone. No it is totally back firing on me. This is so stupid. How come I had to get to the same point as everyone else? You know like, "what does it all mean?". Didn't the choices that I made put me in a different brackett? I thought that I wouldn't have to worry about this stuff. I'VE NEVER BEEN THIS BUMMED BEFORE!! I feel like i don't understand myself anymore. The thoughts in my head truly frighten me sometimes and because they frighten me I'll be god damned if anyone else is going to get a peek. So I sit here with my car, and my rank, and my stories, and all the other bull shit with no one to tell and share them with. So what's the point? I don't even know what I'm talking about right now. What am I trying to accomplish by writting this shit? I'm totally on auto pilot. I need something to blow my mind. I need something different to happen. I'm 23 and...I don't fuckin' know. WHAT THE FUCK!!!??? Does anything ever make any sence? Will i ever figure myself out? Will I ever let anyone in? I guess these are all choices that I'll have to make for myself, but at this point I don't even know were to begin. It's not like I'm suicidal or anything. Okay, I think about taking my own life, but who doesn't from time to time. Right? Once when I was 18 I tried to do myself in, but obviously it didn't work. I don't think I'm supposed to. Or I'm to chicken shit too. The things that used to light my fire don't anymore. Drums, drawing, creating something...anything! So what am i supposed to do? I sit, and I stay cynical, and lonely and look for people on the internet because i'm too scared to put myself out there in real life and meet people. To open myself and make some sort of connection with someone because every time I do, I fuck it up and end alone again. My heart has been broken so my fuckin' times that I don't think I could do it again. But it's happening right now. Again, and with the same girl that did it a year ago. What is my fuckin' problem? I won't give up though. Thank whoever that my dad's side of the familly is more stuburn then steel. Because if I didn't have stubborness to keep me going, I would have been dead a long time ago. 
jenn