lightbulbjack

Im really not in a bad mood as far as my depression goes. Ive just been thinking about my life. So for the three people who read my journal, dont worry Im fine.

From here on out I intend to wallow in self-crapatude. Here is your last chance to spare yourself from my ramblings. Im also in a quoting sort of mood. Consider yourself warned.





















Everyday I wake up a little more dead than the day before.

And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
Talking Heads - Once in a Lifetime

Ive always liked that lyric.

The past few days Ive felt like the immobile man in a light-speed world. Ive kind of always felt that way in some degree or another, it's just been more so lately.

I spent my childhood perfecting the art of invisibility, dont cause trouble, follow the rules. We had enough problems to deal with and that was my way of copping.

Be a good little boy, and you'll get a new toy
Tell grandma you fell off the swing
Pat Benatar - Hell Is For Children

My mind is full of song lyrics relating to my thought.

If I leave here tomorrow
Would you still remember me
Lynyrd Skynyrd - Free Bird

I recently spent time with someone who reminded of some of the things Id walled off from my life. That in turn got me thinking of my lost years.

I spent almost a decade as a slave to my depression. I didnt go anywhere where I would have to deal with large groups of people. My life was mostly nocturnal. I did my shopping in the middle of the night with the cleaning crews and single moms who had run out of disposal able diapers and cheap vodka.

I lost those years to my fear, there gone and I cant get them back. In that time I threw away a promising career as a photographer. I had three solid job offers before I graduated. The majority of my class had none.

To quote a line from the movie On the Waterfront
You don't understand. I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it.

Now I find myself in my mid-thirties with no job and no clue as to what I want to do. Ive become the one thing I never wanted to be, ordinary.

So here I set in my walled of kingdom upon a tarnished throne. Im surrounded by three and a half decades of emotional baggage. Like always, Im unsure what to do.

I think Im going to take a few days off and try to find myself. I can never really stay away from here too long. This seems to be the one place where I feel most at home.

For right now, I need to find out where does that highway go.