lightbulbjack

So on Friday I found out my car needs over a grand worth of repairs.

Saturday.
I had to take care of some unexpected work crap. While on my way to dinner I stop at a gas station. As Im coming out there is this guy yelling at a girl. Hes screaming about who shes a whore and its not his baby. Shes crying and telling him to leave her alone. There are four or five people in the lot but no ones seems to see this happening, which is to say theres four or five people starring at the ground. Then he hits her.

I yell at him. He came at me and clipped me in the jaw. I was mostly out of the way of it before it connected but I bite the inside of my cheek, which hurt like a bitch. And I just unloaded a punch on him and dropped him.

The girl took off. Then the guy got up and took off. And suddenly all those people who couldnt get their eyes off the ground before are now watching me. So I left.

I havent hit someone in a long time. There have been times Ive really wanted too, but didnt. I used to fight a lot. When I was young I did a lot of things that Im not too proud of. Now dont get me wrong, this guy deserved it, but Ive strived to live my life as non-violent as possible. For the rest of the night I had that acidic adrenalin taste in my mouth. That and blood actually.

So by the time I chilled out dinner was almost over and I skipped it and went to the bowling ally. I almost skipped bowling, but I havent been able to make it out to too many event and I didnt want to skip one here in town. I showed up, had a couple shots of tequila in the bar followed up with four or five beers throughout the night. Even at my best, I have problems with social situations. That night I wasnt exactly at my best.

Saturday night part 2

Can it get any worse? Yes, yes it can.

Theres a girl Ive been sort of seeing. Weve kind of cooled off for a while but had been talking about going out again. I told her I was going out Saturday night, and that if she wanted to, I would pick her up after she got out of work and we could come back on hangout with you guys.

When I picked her up she asked if we could stop and eat before heading back to the bar. So Dennys here we come. At this point I feel the need to tell you this. I dont love this girl, I never did. She knows this and she doesnt love me either. We had some good times together but thats it. We were both clear on this right from the start.

While we were waiting for our food she told me that she had found God, and I need to find him too. Anyone whos been reading my journal for a while knows my view on religion and I dont feel like rehashing it again.

God and church are fine for some people but dont push it off on me. She has decided that she needs to save me. She used some things against me that were clearly out of bounds. Things that were shared in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom. She actually used the word decadent when referring to my lifestyle as she put it.

I started laughing at this point for several reasons. One she used the word decadent, that word has become an inside joke in SGKazoo group. The other was the way she said lifestyle], an obvious jab at me telling her that Ive been with a few guys. Not to mention that I think Im about as decadent as toast.

By the time we got through eating we were barely talking. I took her home, told her that she needs to get over her new found glory and her need to save me. She said that shes going to pray for me. I told her to pray for someone else, I didnt need it.

Sunday
I went for a 2 and half-mile walk along the river today. I found a nice spot along the path and sat there for a while meditating. Which lead me to wonder, is it life that is fucked up or is it that Im fucked up? I think its me.

I think on some level I only get involved with people that I know will fail. In doing so I give myself the illusion that Im trying to do the right thing.

At this rate, I fear for what the coming week will bring.

I think Im self-destructing.