lightbulbjack

I guess Im bringing down the room. A handful of comments over the past few days is a poor showing even for me.

Ive been trying to decide if I should post this or not. My gut says no because this is something that once it is out there everyone will know what a head-case I am. My mind, or maybe its my heart says yes. Im trying to break down the walls Ive isolated myself behind. As a rule of thumb, when Im not sure what to do, I try and chose the one that seems to be the hardest. So here it goes.

This has been a hard week for me. It started last Saturday in Toronto with a panic attack and has been spinning out of control ever since. I had a realization that night in Toronto. For my own reasons I wont share it here. It made me sad. I knew there was nothing I could do to change it; it was completely out of my hands.

As we were walking to the subway I was really starting to freak out. I wanted to turn around and go back to the hotel room and hide out there until the next day when I could go home. I started asking myself what the hell was I doing here? I didnt really know any of the people I was with. I drifted from one group to the next trying to find a place where I felt comfortable, but I couldnt.

Compounding the problem was my hypoglycemia. When my blood sugar drop I get the shakes and it feels like my energy is being drained out of me. It also tends to make me more open to panic attacks. If Im nervous it intensifies the situation. Thats the one-cent version of hypo and how it affects me. I have glucose tablets I take to boost me up until I can eat something which helped me keep it in check until I got to the bar.

Back to our story. We head down into the subway, which was the first time I had ever been on one. It was cool. I liked it a lot. As were standing on the platform Im looking down at the tracks and the cars go flying by. I never realized how fast they move.

So Im there, Im flipping out in my head, screaming for someone to take this feeling away, when I have a thought. It was a thought that scarred me.

Just step off. With the speed the cars are moving, there would be almost no pain. Boom, Im done. Was I suicidal that night? No. But I had that one moment where it seemed like a good idea.

You know what the thought right after that was? I thought that if I did do it I would ruin everyones prom. Then we got on and started riding. I was standing there holding on to the bar and looking at everyone who seemed so happy all the while I had just thought about turning myself into squish.

I started thinking about just staying on the train when everyone else got off. By the time anyone would notice that I was gone it would be too late. Id ride around for a while, show up and the hotel later. Then I thought someone might want to look for me, thus causing them to spend time trying to find me and missing out on prom. The doors opened, I got off.

Pretty much the same thoughts on the trolley.

We get to the bar, I head strait for the bar and start drinking. Liquid courage, it takes the edge off. Luckily I dont really drink anymore so Im a lightweight. A couple of drinks and Im ready to fake it.

I did have a good time. The night just got started off on a rocky. There were people I wanted to meet and talk to but didnt.

This is who I am. Im a screwed up basket case who is holding on white knuckled through life. This is me at my most honest. Within the ones and zeros of this community Im free. I can tell the girl I think she is beautiful. I can tell anyone who wants to read my journal that sometimes I still feel like the same little fat kid I was in kindergarten that the other kids made fun of. Hidden among all this data is the real me. The me I wish I could be in the real world.

Im so tired of faking it for the world. But what are you going to do? Dont worry; Im not going to kill myself. There have been many times when Ive skated along the razors edge but now isnt one of them. Im just tired of being alone.