lifex

I find it interesting that I usually notice when someone deletes me from facebook. of course it's really not important that I was, or that I was blocked on top of that. But I interact with this person a daily basis and while her 'desk' is directly behind mine she won't sit at it. Also she really won't tell me why she is avoiding me all I ever tried to do was help.

She is overly sexual and has self confidence issues, while I am not as outwardly sexual I was with her regardless of how much she would tell me she loves her boyfriend. I also have self confidence issues and I am jealous person at times. I do really care about this person which makes it difficult for me to just stop caring - and the reason why i writing this, here - I had to ask a friend of hers on facebook if she still had an account which I figured she did, I didn't think she would go as far as blocking me.

Must mean something since one doesn't hate someone voraciously if they really don't care about a person. She claims to "just want to do my chemistry and go home" which she mostly does but I will be surprised if she makes it through her cumulative exams to continue on with her PhD. I would like to see her fail because maybe it will bring justification for my involvement in her studies.

She told me I am too intense that there are other ways to do things and she gets very nervous working around me because of what might happen if she breaks something. I'm starting to sound like a very horrible person but everyone else I work with may think I'm domineering they can still interact with me comfortably and not worry about me or my intentions or criticisms.

I would like to try and get to comfortable place again with her but currently I just want to thank her for making apparent how important the people I know are to me for they are themselves and not affected by my actions. I appreciate my friends, even most acquaintances, for this and I try to be thankful and thank them as well for just being them. It helps me improve myself and stop worrying so much about what other people are doing.

I don't like be awkward in my work environment but if she keeps up this act then I won't really have a problem but I will attempt to be social and interactive with as many people as I can that I work with or relate to through work.

While getting a PhD will be a good accomplishment I will hopefully find myself enjoying my life more than I have been. I thank myself, my parents, for what I have - good health, independence, functional, safe, complacent about very trivial things - for I know a lot of people can't say the same and are probably happier than me. I shouldnt put my emotions out so frequently anymore since I get attached easily and then become very bitter after things dissipate, especially when I have no clue as to why, when people just stop talking to me for an unapparent reason. It would be a more amazing world if, instead of, people getting mad at others because of criticism, scrutiny, jealously, and just confront the person in a friendly manner to determine the problem and work out a solution - of course I sound like an imbecile because this how we should function regardless - maybe its because of nurture and the influences of mainstream culture.

I also suck at writing

I am not a natural leader, I get a little anxious trying to lead people. My actions and personality suggest I should be a leader, maybe i don't want the responsibility of failure if my choices work against me.

no flow, no organization, just me, my thoughts, what I would like to say. I feel like I complain to my friends too frequently, or my mom - BLESS HER - no one can really help I just need to work through this myself.