libberillious

on confusion.

He mentions it to me casually, as he had 1000 times before, and I answer, perhaps more honestly than I ever had. I don't know why the answer changed. Maybe I was playing. Maybe I just wanted to see where it would go.
Maybe I wanted see I could be that girl.
My husband is sleeping with his ex, our marriage is out of convenience, this wouldn't be cheating; but even that situation is still new. I don't even know how I feel about it. I mostly feel nothing. Then *he* mentions it casually to me again and I feel like I am on fire.
It's two weeks until I go out to see him, him and the other friends who abandoned me. We'll talk on and off. Nothing serious or major. Everything seems so casual. I don't know how to feel about that either. I know I go all soft and rubbery one when he gets upset thinking his friend has upset me. Seems sweet.
He doesn't tell me he went to she his ex, to find out if they would work things out, said he couldn't talk because he's watching a movie with a friend. I leave it alone. I don't know if I want to know. His roommate, our friend, tells me the truth. Tells me how he's miserable seeing her, and that regrets buying the plane ticket out there, he says he'll explain when gets home, and that he doesn't want me to know.
I ask if I should feel weird about it. Our friend says no, that he already knew things were going to go poorly out there, he just had to see.
I understand, better than our friend realizes, I drop it. I wonder what I'm doing here. What game am I playing? Am I on a revenge trip? Pity? Lust? Greed? Am I doing it because I can or because I want to? I've lost control of so much; I'd like to think if the time ever came for me to answer for these actions and desires I could claim temporary insanity.