"the rest of that story"
I've lived with the notion that at any moment you would come out of the woodwork, and save me from this awful place. The last ten years I feel like you always been in the next room., that if I could catch up with you our worlds would collide once more.
It's not normal the way I feel about you. Yet it persists. Ive tried to fuck out the memory of you, tried to let excessive amounts of time pass, tried to forget you ever existed, but you still remain. I hold this candle for you, so that on some distant planet on some distant day you might come back to me, and I would never feel alone again.
I just want to say I'm sorry. I just want to tell you I've missed you. I've missed you and loved you in ways I am not equipped to explain. That I would sell my soul for five minutes to tell you these things, and it wouldn't be weird or strange of me to say. That these are feelings you have for me too. That you bide you time and wait for these moments to say these things to me too.
We sat there, in our quiet misery, on the bridge, softly singing that song we both loved so much. A moment that exists outside of time. 3 minutes where time stopped, began, and stopped again. We saw each other cry, weep for a future that would never exist. A glimmer of clairvoyance, only to warn us that what we both want may never come to pass. As soon as it came it was over again, but everything had changed.
I sat there. sat at the light infront of the place we both worked, and the thought crossed my mind, "if I make this u-turn, we will never be together. We'll never plan our wedding, we'll never have our awkward first kiss. If I turn now, and meet that boy who wanted my number, our whole lives will never happen". I drove around in a circle for 45 minutes before deciding that if you ever really wanted me, you'd have taken me by then.
I saw the look on you face when you saw us kissing. I never wanted that sight to destroy you. But it did. I watched all through when they played "Jezebel", I was so sorry. When you came to my rescue that night I was so drunk I called you I was so happy. I wanted you to put me in that car and drive me away. You came, you sat next to me on the sidewalk, and you were a perfect gentleman. When that evil bastard came back you stayed, to make sure I was alright. You handed me a dead frog and said goodbye.
I never saw you again. I heard you moved to Portland. I heard you started drinking heavily, and smoking way too much pot. I heard you kept an album of me, and I heard you missed me a lot. I heard when learned that the evil bastard hadn't only stolen me, but beaten me too, you cried. I heard you lost a lot of weight, and met a nice girl and moved in together. I had ruined your life, but the pieces were coming together. I heard you may had even moved back, but wasn't sure.
Our mutual friends lamented what could have been, and rooted for the prospects of meeting again. Tiny fragments of shared karma. Always being one step ahead or behind of one another. Silent prayers for reunion.
And then, one not-so-special day, you emailed, and asked how I had been. You promised we'd meet, but it never came. Every time I heard from you my heart stopped, all the air sucked out of the room, and then, nothing. Months and months of radio silence. I started heading back to the place in my brain where you are imaginary. Nay, that I have replaced you, that history repeated and I found a new best friend, even if that relationship is ending. Even if that end is near, that it was more real than any of the decade long estrangement had fantasized.
I should have known, that the mutual place, the one outside of all the past hoopla, would be where your next move would be. I should have known, but I didn't. and now I'm in a new place. Where I want nothing more than to say hello. Where I don't have to sell one happy ending for another.
I want to be free of you. I don't care who picks me up and tells me it's okay now, I just want something tangible. A corporeal love, or infatuation, it doesn't matter.
The point is, materialize or don't, playing with me isn't fair, I missed you too.
I've lived with the notion that at any moment you would come out of the woodwork, and save me from this awful place. The last ten years I feel like you always been in the next room., that if I could catch up with you our worlds would collide once more.
It's not normal the way I feel about you. Yet it persists. Ive tried to fuck out the memory of you, tried to let excessive amounts of time pass, tried to forget you ever existed, but you still remain. I hold this candle for you, so that on some distant planet on some distant day you might come back to me, and I would never feel alone again.
I just want to say I'm sorry. I just want to tell you I've missed you. I've missed you and loved you in ways I am not equipped to explain. That I would sell my soul for five minutes to tell you these things, and it wouldn't be weird or strange of me to say. That these are feelings you have for me too. That you bide you time and wait for these moments to say these things to me too.
We sat there, in our quiet misery, on the bridge, softly singing that song we both loved so much. A moment that exists outside of time. 3 minutes where time stopped, began, and stopped again. We saw each other cry, weep for a future that would never exist. A glimmer of clairvoyance, only to warn us that what we both want may never come to pass. As soon as it came it was over again, but everything had changed.
I sat there. sat at the light infront of the place we both worked, and the thought crossed my mind, "if I make this u-turn, we will never be together. We'll never plan our wedding, we'll never have our awkward first kiss. If I turn now, and meet that boy who wanted my number, our whole lives will never happen". I drove around in a circle for 45 minutes before deciding that if you ever really wanted me, you'd have taken me by then.
I saw the look on you face when you saw us kissing. I never wanted that sight to destroy you. But it did. I watched all through when they played "Jezebel", I was so sorry. When you came to my rescue that night I was so drunk I called you I was so happy. I wanted you to put me in that car and drive me away. You came, you sat next to me on the sidewalk, and you were a perfect gentleman. When that evil bastard came back you stayed, to make sure I was alright. You handed me a dead frog and said goodbye.
I never saw you again. I heard you moved to Portland. I heard you started drinking heavily, and smoking way too much pot. I heard you kept an album of me, and I heard you missed me a lot. I heard when learned that the evil bastard hadn't only stolen me, but beaten me too, you cried. I heard you lost a lot of weight, and met a nice girl and moved in together. I had ruined your life, but the pieces were coming together. I heard you may had even moved back, but wasn't sure.
Our mutual friends lamented what could have been, and rooted for the prospects of meeting again. Tiny fragments of shared karma. Always being one step ahead or behind of one another. Silent prayers for reunion.
And then, one not-so-special day, you emailed, and asked how I had been. You promised we'd meet, but it never came. Every time I heard from you my heart stopped, all the air sucked out of the room, and then, nothing. Months and months of radio silence. I started heading back to the place in my brain where you are imaginary. Nay, that I have replaced you, that history repeated and I found a new best friend, even if that relationship is ending. Even if that end is near, that it was more real than any of the decade long estrangement had fantasized.
I should have known, that the mutual place, the one outside of all the past hoopla, would be where your next move would be. I should have known, but I didn't. and now I'm in a new place. Where I want nothing more than to say hello. Where I don't have to sell one happy ending for another.
I want to be free of you. I don't care who picks me up and tells me it's okay now, I just want something tangible. A corporeal love, or infatuation, it doesn't matter.
The point is, materialize or don't, playing with me isn't fair, I missed you too.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
_solipsist_:
you know...... I've taken in a few strays over the years....
_solipsist_:
my sense of adventure has waned over the years......