Life is punishment for something one of us did a long time ago... I am convinced. And if deep inside my own psyche is the only place I can seek refuge, then I would gladly live out the remainder of my existence lost deep somewhere in a coma. Whether fully aware I'm there or convinced it was now "reality" it wouldn't matter. It would still be better than here. This undefined world that I've been catching vague glimpses of for over ten years now feels so... home. And when I snap back here... back into this "reality", 'thats' when I feel misplaced, lost, scared... and as though I have to find my way around all over again. So either I have to find out if theres a place on this earth that either 'is' or is close enough to this place in my head, or I'm going to have to believe me when I say that what I'm looking for really is simply in my mind and find a way to understand it to the point where I'm content with just having it there, and there only. But I somehow doubt that'll happen. The need to make this fucking place real is too strong.

Stupid fucking selfish pussy asshole. Scared, scared little man. So full of shit it's oozing out of every fucking hole. One last chance... one. And be sure I will make this perfectly clear. No more pretending that the loads of bullshit that have been continuously dumped on me for nearly 22 years hasn't bothered me. Excuse upon excuse... no matter how high the pile of excuses gets, it will never be big enough for a cowering selfish pussy to hide behind. Try as he might.