lhell

I want things to be beautiful. I want life to be mysterious. I long for that, and yet... this feeling seems to have eluded me for almost all of my life. But then again, I've got myself convinced I don't belong here. Sounds weird, I know, but I've thought this since I was about 9 or 10, that something was wrong, and I needed to find my way home, but it's awfully hard to find your way "home" when the place you're in at the time is technically all you've ever known. Then one day, a seemingly normal day about 2 years ago, a seer and her husband came into the store, I didn't think anything of it since I used to get people in the store claiming to be the craziest shit, since it was a rock store and all, I had people come in that ranged from rich snobbish rare specimen collectors, to pagan seers looking for stones for their metaphysical properties (I'm a bit of both, I've always used them in meditation, but once I started managing the store, I began to collect) Anyways, my point is that this one seer in particular came over to me on her way out and asked if she could tell me a few things she thought I should know... which actually ended up explaining A LOT of things I had been trying to figure out for years, and they were ALL bang on. Then, we said our goodbyes and she turned to go, but at the last second, turned back around, cocked her head and looked at me, scrunched up her face and said "...Now, I'm not entirely sure what this means myself, but... you have absolutely no desire to be on this planet." She gave a comforting smile, and walked out.

Now, I've spent most of my life trying to figure this unknown desire out, I thought for a while that maybe it 'wasn't' an actual physical plain other than the one I'm in I was looking for, but perhaps simply a subconscious sate of mind or enlightenment I was attempting to achieve, or maybe just one with a new outlook, a path to escape my depression and my numbingly pessimistic outlook on life... or SOMETHING a little easier to explain, but over the years, in every single attempt I've made, it always, ALWAYS boils down to me wanting out, and KNOWING more strongly then I've ever known anything in my life, that there really is a place for me to "get out" to. I just, have never been able to shake the feeling that I got lost on my way to somewhere else and ended up here by mistake and that I just haven't been found yet. I don't know, I know how fucked it sounds, but I am honestly and truly scared that I'll never figure this out. Because I can't live out the rest of my life with this overwhelming feeling hanging over me constantly.