I dreamt of the strangest most terrible things on Saturday night. It was similar to a scene from the era when Hitler reigned. When armies of soldiers would march into villages trying to instill fear in the Jewish people, and smoke them out from their homes. Except that this was more of a modernized version, and people were being abducted and forced into the worst kinds of human slavery, and made to do hideous things, subjected to physical and psychological tortures for the pleasure of their "masters".
It wasn't sexualized at all. Everything was completely grotesque and dirty. Even the colors in the dream were dingy, and depicted scenes washed in shades of mud-streaked brown and rusty orange. They were the sort of ugly colors that come to mind when I think about heroin. And to top it all off, my ex-boyfriend was the ringmaster of the entire horror show.
I won't even begin to attempt to analyze the dream I had. All I know for certain is that I did have the dream because of the thoughts and feelings I was having before I finally fell off to sleep. I was exhausted by the things I was thinking about on my way home after dropping her off last night, but the nightmares kept me from sleeping the way I normally would. I talked with Brian a little bit about what was on my mind when I got home, but he's at a loss for advice. He knows not what to say.
Last night was such a test of my will and my restraint that after coming home and sorting things out, and "sleeping" on it - I finally had to make the very difficult decision to withdraw my offer to have her in the wedding party. Without going into the private and very complicated details; the circumstances are what they are, and I cannot go into planning this day - the most important day of my life thus far - with this type of heavy negativity and concern for her. It's been plaguing us both and slowly eating away at what little was left of our relationship for so many years now that it was just time to say something.
Although I stood up for myself, I do feel sadness, and relief, and nervousness - but not regret. I know that I've done the right thing. It's what is best. All I can do is hope that she can see the reasons why.
It wasn't sexualized at all. Everything was completely grotesque and dirty. Even the colors in the dream were dingy, and depicted scenes washed in shades of mud-streaked brown and rusty orange. They were the sort of ugly colors that come to mind when I think about heroin. And to top it all off, my ex-boyfriend was the ringmaster of the entire horror show.
I won't even begin to attempt to analyze the dream I had. All I know for certain is that I did have the dream because of the thoughts and feelings I was having before I finally fell off to sleep. I was exhausted by the things I was thinking about on my way home after dropping her off last night, but the nightmares kept me from sleeping the way I normally would. I talked with Brian a little bit about what was on my mind when I got home, but he's at a loss for advice. He knows not what to say.
Last night was such a test of my will and my restraint that after coming home and sorting things out, and "sleeping" on it - I finally had to make the very difficult decision to withdraw my offer to have her in the wedding party. Without going into the private and very complicated details; the circumstances are what they are, and I cannot go into planning this day - the most important day of my life thus far - with this type of heavy negativity and concern for her. It's been plaguing us both and slowly eating away at what little was left of our relationship for so many years now that it was just time to say something.
Although I stood up for myself, I do feel sadness, and relief, and nervousness - but not regret. I know that I've done the right thing. It's what is best. All I can do is hope that she can see the reasons why.
