I have a little problem with being honest about whats going on in my life. I usually badger people for hiding things and their feelings and tell them that it's healthy to be open about these things but I always hide my problems. I decided that even though its hard for me to open up to people I know personally, maybe I'd do better to open up to an online community -- especially one that I've always found to be so supportive of me and of each other. So here it goes:
A few days ago I received news that an uncle of mine died of cancer after it spread to his spine. Dealing with the holidays is a constant struggle for me, I battle stress and depression and it just gets so much worse this time of year. Especially dealing with a break-up that really hurt me while I'm seeing all my closest friends starting new relationships or staying with the person they've been with all the time. So the news that he died hit me a little harder than I'd have liked. I think its worse for my mom though, they were the same age and she's spent most of her time crying.
But whats really done me in, is, yesterday I spoke to my dad. I only found out that he's still alive and reconnected with him after him being gone from my life for 12 years last year. He lives in my home state of Nevada and told me that he'd just spent three days in the hospital during which he was diagnosed with cancer. He had the same type of cancer a few years ago and had the tumor surgically removed but never checked up on whether or not the cancer was back. This is because he's a strict Christian and believed that if he were going to get sick again, god would intervene. Well, god didn't. And because he's gone years without checking for the cancer, they don't know yet how much it's spread but he's going to have to have surgery again soon. It's terrifying for me after having lost my uncle to cancer just last week, and my father has a history of MRSA staph infections with each hospital stay. I haven't been doing too well this season and this just hit me so hard that I might be losing the father I just gained so soon after. I've been having random bursts of crying and even though I really really don't want to push people away from me for the pain I'm in, I know that that's what I'm doing already. I feel powerless to stop myself and powerless in what's happening. My dad keeps saying that he knows god will save him and I just want to hit something every time. I don't want to be offensive and have no problem with religion, but it's killing me to hear him talk about god saving him like its his only hope in the world. I'm keeping as positive as I can that he'll be ok and the cancer will go back into remission but the weight of everything feels like its crushing me. It's harder to keep hope than I thought.
SO there it is. I'm hoping some people can give me some wise words about how to approach everything, some help or guidance or even kind words would go a long way right now. Thanks for reading all this, if you did. <3
