lenny007

Today has sucked immensely. Hardly any fucker came out that said they were going to. Just got bored and ended up going home early.

I'm not very happy with myself. I got to see this girl again last night, and I just couldn't talk to her. I found it so bloody difficult it was unbelivable. I'm not the kinda guy who gets a lot of attention and such, so if any opportunity to talk to someone I like is there then I should take it. It's not like I'm shy, I am far from that, I just couldn't think of what to say to her at all. I had major mental blockage. And now I cannot stop thinking about how lame I am. I'm not obsessing about her at all, just how fucking useless I can be. I resorted to actually asking her out via text when she'd gone home. Such a charmer me!! What is my malfunction? Why am I 'that' guy? I'm just prime 'friend' material and I can't fucking stand it. I cannot be any different though. I am always me, I can never be anything other than that. It is impossible for me to put on a front or even be the slightest bit false. People say that that's a good thing but it seems to get me nowhere. I'm far too honest and upfront and it seems no one ever respects you for it really. Why can't I be someone else? I wish I was the kinda person I hate cos they always seem to get their own way, going around shitting on everyone.

I swear if it wasn't for Jacqui then I'd have probably got so wrecked last night being as I was hating myself so much. She has this knack of making me like myself. I can't believe I have knew her for such a short period of time really. She knows me better than anybody else, I've got mates I've had 20+ years and she knows me a lot better than them.

Got this week off work. Not doing much. Monday - nowt, Tuesday - should be seeing lil Ruthie for a while, Wednesday - PS2 with Andy, Thursday & Friday - nowt. Am so skint it's not even funny.