Or rather, becoming the person I've always been, but been too afraid to be it.
I've always been aware that there has been a lot of fear in my life-- a lot of which I have inherited from the people who educated me-- but I've never quite been able to work out how to do away with it. After all, fear is often there to stop you from getting hurt by dangerous things-- why would you want to do away with it?
It's hard to put a finger on specific events that have inspired it, but I'm beginning to develop a level of self-confidence I've never had before. Developing, because I know it isn't something that's just hit me.
-In November I was aware that it takes a certain level of confidence, boldness, and probably more attributes to be able to live in another country; balancing out the pressure to alienate yourself from your native culture by changing your clothes etc, while still being able to behave in a way that makes you stand out in the place you are temporarily living by sticking to what you know if it works better for you.
-In December it occurred to me that a lot of things in life are easier if you relax. To be able to do this takes a certain amount of confidence and detatchment from the situation. At the time I thought mastering this would make me more confident, but I'm beginning to suspect that my growth in confidence actually inspired this discovery.
-I remember discussing with a friend in January how I'd started to try to be myself and let other people decide whether they liked it or not. At the time, I know I was quite scared of alienating people and this resolution faltered somewhat, but steadily things are moving on.
-As a kid I was aware that I intimidated some of my more shy friends, which unsettled me because I didn't want to scare them. I grew up trying to be soft and submissive so I wouldn't do that again, but in the last few months I've met people who've draw the more agressive side out of me and I'm beginning to see how I can be dominant and yet still soft and diplomatic enough not to hurt anyone. I'm quite nervous about the possibility of overstepping the mark in the process of working out how to do this and hurting the people I care about, but I'm hoping that the fruit at the end of it will outweigh any trouble it may cause.
I just hope I don't turn out like a complete cunt.
I've always been aware that there has been a lot of fear in my life-- a lot of which I have inherited from the people who educated me-- but I've never quite been able to work out how to do away with it. After all, fear is often there to stop you from getting hurt by dangerous things-- why would you want to do away with it?
It's hard to put a finger on specific events that have inspired it, but I'm beginning to develop a level of self-confidence I've never had before. Developing, because I know it isn't something that's just hit me.
-In November I was aware that it takes a certain level of confidence, boldness, and probably more attributes to be able to live in another country; balancing out the pressure to alienate yourself from your native culture by changing your clothes etc, while still being able to behave in a way that makes you stand out in the place you are temporarily living by sticking to what you know if it works better for you.
-In December it occurred to me that a lot of things in life are easier if you relax. To be able to do this takes a certain amount of confidence and detatchment from the situation. At the time I thought mastering this would make me more confident, but I'm beginning to suspect that my growth in confidence actually inspired this discovery.
-I remember discussing with a friend in January how I'd started to try to be myself and let other people decide whether they liked it or not. At the time, I know I was quite scared of alienating people and this resolution faltered somewhat, but steadily things are moving on.
-As a kid I was aware that I intimidated some of my more shy friends, which unsettled me because I didn't want to scare them. I grew up trying to be soft and submissive so I wouldn't do that again, but in the last few months I've met people who've draw the more agressive side out of me and I'm beginning to see how I can be dominant and yet still soft and diplomatic enough not to hurt anyone. I'm quite nervous about the possibility of overstepping the mark in the process of working out how to do this and hurting the people I care about, but I'm hoping that the fruit at the end of it will outweigh any trouble it may cause.
I just hope I don't turn out like a complete cunt.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
mandarin:
I really can't figure out why I'm so fucked up right on the cusp of Spring. These are supposed to be happy days! Also, I am completely unattached and single! What is my problem!?
cairo:
I got your email. That was really very cool of you. :-) I love that boy like crazy and it honestly means a lot to us both to have support.
