lego_

Thank you so much for your kind words today. They were a bright spot in an otherwise awful day.

Let's not discuss yesterday's events any further, but I don't think it'd be an overstatement to say I was haunted by thoughts of it today. I'm trying to continue positive attitude, but it's so hard when frankly I really feel like half of me just died.

I've also picked up a flu-ey cold which has made me feel rancid (it's been coming for a few days) and not made keeping a clear head about things any easier.

Sent a letter to my British uni yesterday in a pre-paid envelope with their address in BIG letters on the front and discreetly adding my name on the back in wee letters in case it should get lost. Today the stupid Swedish post office RETURNED it to me! Like, WTF?! It was even in a Swedish envelope- it simply defies all sense!! I added a "To" and "From" in big letters and re-posted it, just to make sure it gets there this time. Trouble is, it's already postmarked. It'd better get there!

I have no vices to fall back on: I'm ill so no drinking (it'd probably be a bad idea if I were well), I've decided that self-destruction (including smoking) wouldn't help anyone, anything sexual is right out, and I can't afford to buy myself a guitar to express my blues 'cos I have no idea what my expenditure for textbooks etc is going to be like next week. I've decided not to even let myself blame Steph, as this was as much my fault as it was hers.

Oh, DO NOT download Windows Service Pack 2 if you have a laptop. Mine started refusing to even bring up the manufacturer's logo this afternoon because of it, taking away my last possibilities of relief in chat, email and my media library (I have no CD's with me).

All in all, I've spent most of today feeling like a dirty old mess moping round the streets of Skne with no relief in sight. There have been moments where I simply didn't know what to think-just feeling numb, beaten and lonely.

Good things:
The few mates I've told here have been supportive- if not very demonstrative- for me.

My laptop is back to normal(ish) but I'm not feeling too confident about my (mouse)touchpad.

There's no way anything's happening, but there's a cute girl on my corridor who has no clue how much she brightened up my day.

At least I have SOME money, if not enough to get a decent guitar.

The sun shone today, pretty much all day. When your life's going this badly, that seems like some consolation.



I want someone to hold me. No kissing or sex- I just need a hug.

Thanks again for your love, though. I reeeeally appreciate it. Honestly, I do.