finished up last day of workshop about jung/astrology/dreams. wrote a lot of things down. went to braindrops and got new jewelry for my ears (4ga. some made from water buffalo horn. i honor you, fallen buffalo.). got my period. feeling inexplicably sad. hair is not short enough. will shave soon. lots and lots of changes. a churning, the final quick succession of pounding realizations and changes before the real work begins. learning to respect myself, for the 20th time today and one time in what is bound to be millions in this forever.
been thinking about power, and what that means to me. realizing that i really lack a sense of entitlement about some things - why do i feel like i do not deserve to have what i want? that idea seems foreign to me and yet i act it out. why do i care if someone is angry at me or resentful of me when the outcome i seek has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my needs. should i coddle them just because i can predict their reaction? what is fear of judgement? what is judgement and why should i care in this corporeal body? don't we have better things to do with our time.
i have spent a lot of time believing i am cold and unlikable. mean, even. that what i want is unfair to other people. but i also feel like that if i do not do exactly what i need to do, and setup the exact situation and life i desire, i'm cheating myself out of my own genius and my own vision. i feel a strong sense of vision actually. i feel a lot of potential inside myself. and i think my inability to exercise power and desire is keeping me from my own potential.
i wish to develop muscles, physically and metaphorically.
i would like to learn to fence. i will stick with yoga for now.
been thinking about power, and what that means to me. realizing that i really lack a sense of entitlement about some things - why do i feel like i do not deserve to have what i want? that idea seems foreign to me and yet i act it out. why do i care if someone is angry at me or resentful of me when the outcome i seek has nothing to do with them and everything to do with my needs. should i coddle them just because i can predict their reaction? what is fear of judgement? what is judgement and why should i care in this corporeal body? don't we have better things to do with our time.
i have spent a lot of time believing i am cold and unlikable. mean, even. that what i want is unfair to other people. but i also feel like that if i do not do exactly what i need to do, and setup the exact situation and life i desire, i'm cheating myself out of my own genius and my own vision. i feel a strong sense of vision actually. i feel a lot of potential inside myself. and i think my inability to exercise power and desire is keeping me from my own potential.
i wish to develop muscles, physically and metaphorically.
i would like to learn to fence. i will stick with yoga for now.
VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
you are lovely. you are wonderful. and through the luck of birth you are a woman and posess all the power of the Weapon, the cup.
Ariel Gore writes something like: "weare always afraid our growth will overshadow and hurt the one's we love."
She is talking about children, spacifically, but any loved one or person in any relationship with you could also potentally fall into this catigory.
growth is scary. the unknown is scary.
i have been there.
also: i took fencing in high school. i was terrible at it
love!-Frig
[Edited on Jun 10, 2003]