I've been busy with school and work. Traveling back and forth from PA to NY is becoming a hassle, but I'm half way there. Just finished mid terms. I'm enjoying a few of my classes this semester, but most are becoming a waste of my time. With this winter we've had, so many classes have been cancelled and my professors have become extremely unorganized and irresponsible. However, being back at school and in NYC I'm understanding more of what I want for my career and my goals. I have a lot of big plans and goals. Sometimes I think they're too big and I'll never be able to do them because I'm just not that special or talented and that's that. But I fight that thought every day in hopes that I can prove myself wrong and work hard at whatever I may be doing in the hopes someone important notices my work and gives me the break I need. I'm speaking of getting noticed for all different kinds of things, not just modeling (although modeling is my biggest one). In school I hope someone notices me for my unique style, creative writing, and passion for learning and offers me a better paying job that's suiting for my personality. On the street I hope someone notices me for my style, aura, and alternative look. On social networks I hope people notice me for my range of creative talents from accessory making, modeling prints, photography prints, make up artistry, styling, and creative/ethics writing.
I literally think about those things everyday. It makes me feel crazy really. I feel like one of those moms that's convinced their son is the best football player in the world and is going to play for the NFL. It sounds dumb, but what I mean is with all my doubts and battles with self confidence, in the back of my head I never give up because I'm convinced I WILL be some one special, some one extraordinary, some one well known for her success and unique talents. And that's why I never stop.
The world is scary and I'm feeling like I'll never got a fair chance to make my dreams come true. It's a fact that I will have to build myself up. That I will have to invest in myself. That I will have to forever be the one who supports myself. I don'y have friends to get me a job working for their mom's business or family to help me buy my first car and get me on my feet in my own apartment. I have SO much to work for strictly on my own and in today's economy it feels like I'll never get a fair chance to invest and build a beautifully humble life for myself. Seeing so many of my friends with kids, married, traveling, and making enough money to spend leisurely on tattoos, travels, events, and material items makes me feel so confused as too what I did wrong to be struggling so hard right now. I'm only 21 and I'm already in debt because of school loans and lack of medical insurance. I don't even pay rent yet or have a car to pay car insurance for. How am I supposed to start a life for myself or a family if I can't even buy myself the things that are dire right now?
It's a daily struggle and to be honest I'm tired of having no one to talk about it with. Every friend I've made or person I've encountered floods me with talk of all their silly problems that are insignificant in comparison to mine. I sit and listen and console like a good friend, but not once has any one ever actually genuinely listened to me and asked me how I feel or given me helpful advice. Until I met my boyfriend and more recently @zephi . Now as I get adjusted to life I'm trying to balance my stresses with being a good friend to these people. The ones who actually care and listen. I've been slacking on showing any sense of trust, commitment, and care because of how I've been emotionally abused and neglected by so many. I feel terrible because it recently took a toll on me and my boyfriend's relationship because I'm having trust issues and started putting up that wall again. Which, was scary because we've never had any major issues in our relationship through the past two and a half years. Luckily, I have a small group of people who love me and are getting me through despite my shitty behavior. Something that is even confusing to me because I've never been so bitchy and self centered in my life. All those years of living for everyone else has led to me to literally not give a fuck about any one else, but myself. Now that's changing because I finally have people who love me and I need to show them my love back. So I guess this blog is a thank you to the people who truly love me, wether they can read this or not.
Thank you for keeping me alive and giving me the strength to be a better person.
I love you.
I will end this random blog with a BTS video by Jason Mcneil of happy times with @zephi and I.
https://d1a0n9gptf7ayu.cloudfront.net/videos/d72083ab-6799-427b-ad9a-23bcaa182ffe-1280x720.mp4?v=1&k=default&t=1748736000&p=0&s=Ysj8VR75ta2FZpntJKVLo8OsGG9pPlpwvyK0wL6Kspg
I hope it works. lol
Have a good Sunday everyone.<3
-Lavish
xoxoox
