I am numb.

7

I haven't felt anything lately. The past few months have been a tiring act of insincere smiles and jokes about devastating situations.

I've never really been sure what was wrong with me. I've always had such morbid horrible thoughts. Suicidal too many times. My last episode was on an abandoned bridge. The one shown in my last set actually. As always Nick was there to talk and coddle me until I came to my senses. But, since then I am just nothing. I'm not happy, but I'm not unhappy either. I just don't feel the way I used to. I think maybe my feelings are burnt out or something.

Anyway, I'm okay I guess right now. Kind of just living everyday with the same schedule and responsibilities. Boring and acting excited for nothing really. I feel unappreciative for what I've been given by Nick's family, but what am I to do?

I haven't been on a real vacation in years. I finally leave for one tomorrow. our trip to Florida, and I haven't one bit of excitement in me. I just keep thinking about how shitty my birthday is going to be when I get back and how stressed I will be the end of this month traveling from PA to NY for school three days a week and working mindlessly the rest while I'm hated by my family and constantly working for a future this economy will never let me live.

I think I've finally come into my own and found myself for the most part, but now I don't know how to turn the feelings back on.

I have to leave for work now and then we're leaving early in the morning for our flight. Maybe, once I get there things will be different.

I don't know.

I do know that I'd like to finally get my hands on some weed. Just for some relaxation. Time to myself to calm my unexplained anxieties, where I can forget about any of this and maybe have a sincere joyful few hours. On a random side note. I've heard recently that apparently medicinal marijuana is legal in New York? I don't know if it's true. I know it was in the works. But if it is I'm considering seeing a doctor and getting some prescribed for my anxiety.

Anyway, I love you all.

Talk to you soon. <3

VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
stormyent:
I'm so sorry you're (not) feeling that way love. I know what it's like, I really do. I've spent months at a time feeling completely numb to everything. I'd be surrounded by people doing nice things, saying nice things, trying to uplift me, but it just never worked. I'd put on a smile and say "Thank you, I feel better now" but never really meant it. Because I didn't *feel* anything. It's only been in the past month or so that I've started to move past it... Once I started meditating every day, I guess I just started to feel different. I'm waking up every day and I'm smiling without forcing it... Just keep moving forward babe. And remember that you will get through this. Depression can be scary, like you're in this fog and you know it's silly and you should be happy but you just can't be. If you want to message me any time, about anything, please do. I want you to be okay, and sometimes just having people who go through the same thing can make things just a little bit better. <3 
roachyabides:
Don't worry.  Enjoy your time in Florida and hang with fellow SG peeps for a Hug or too. Also remember that the emotions are like the wind constantly changing, so wait for the wind to change.  Lots of love and hugs

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