Well as another Christmas day comes to a close I sit here typing for you all to read, feeling bittersweet. I'm pretty much an open book on this website. Which some people may disagree with. I know I'm one of those people who believes sharing such personal information on social networks is many times petty, immature, or just unnecessary. However, with that being said the only place I ever leave my mind completely open is on here. The reason I feel like it's more acceptable is because most of you never met me, but see me stripped down and naked to the person I really am. So why not do the same with my thoughts and emotions? It gives you a better idea of who I am. And brings me closer (as close as possible through the internet) to all of you. Allowing me to build friendships with people who truly understand me.
As some of you may know I've been having family issues for a while now. I was living in NY with my boyfriend in my father's house when he found out about my modeling, kicked me out, blamed it on my boyfriend, and we had to move in with my boyfriend's parents out where I am now in P.A. Anyway, It was hard at first, but I found a job out here, began working on shoots and projects with new artists, photographers, models, etc. And I started being me again. Not letting the guilt of my family's disapproval get to me and just work hard to achieve my highest goals until they become a reality. Nevertheless, it's been going great for the most part. Im really settling in out here, I love my co-workers, I'm getting more and more opportunities in the modeling industry, I'm making more friends, traveling alone, and most of all I'm becoming extremely close with my boyfriends family. I'm finally settling into the true me and it feels good.
The reason for my bittersweet feelings is simple. I absolutely adore my boyfriends family and now call them my own family because they are the only ones who've been there for me over the past two years unconditionally. They see me for the person I really am. A young lady with a huge heart, unique personality, huge goals, and persistence to educate myself for a better future. They look past any weird interests and hobbies I may have including the modeling I enjoy taking a part of. They have given me an amazing Christmas filled with not only extremely generous gifts, but true love and care something I haven't gotten from my own blood family in a very long time.
Despite drama that has recently happened I still kept walking on egg shells watching every word I said to my family members so that they would still love me and approve of me. And despite what my father did to me after already not having a stable mother in my life I still put it aside and wished him a happy thanksgiving and good health (as i found out he was in the hospital for serious back problems) I got no response. A few weeks later (last week) I get a message from one of my aunts telling me I "Need to stay connected with the people who truely love me and know me" Implying that my boyfriends family is shit and that they're not my real family after everything good they've done for me. Then when I say I hate my family after all that. My cousin decides to relay it to my entire family for no good reason and they all jump on me after not giving a shit about me telling " this isn't you" "you've changed" "I'm going to pray for you." And to top it all off. After my dad got word of it he decides to text me today on Christmas morning (after ignoring me for weeks) with a message basically threatening me. Cursing at me and telling me he' going to come to PA and wreck everything in site if I don't stop talking shit. The amount of bullshit in the text is just exuasting for me to relay. It's just crazy knowing I've lived my whole life with basically strangers who have done nothing but put me down and it's a harsh reality finally seeing them for what they really are. And it's a shame that I let him get to me for even an hour of my amazing day today. Breaking me down in tear and screams. After talking it out a bit with my boyfriends family I realized it wasn't worth my energy and I need to stop feeling like a bad person because I have done nothing but progress in my life, both in my career and my relationships.
While you may be connected for life with blood family it doesn't mean they're you're only one true family. This doesn't apply to everyone, but for me I've realized that just because you're blood doesn't mean you have to accept abuse and hate, living every day of your life wishing you were born different so they will love you. I am me. I am not conforming to live as this perfect brunette, conservative, fake catholic, average job, house wife they want me to be because in the end nothing makes them happy anyway. I'm going to be me and surround myself with positive people who accept that and give me a peaceful environment to exist in.
In celebration of this new realization I would like to announce my first magazine spread! In the debut issue of Elegant Magazine's "Elegant Ink" I have a six page spread of my work with @zephi and @badviruz two extraordinary people who I adore! Be sure to get your copy here: http://www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/680590
And in light of the obvious holiday here is a picture from my set currently on zivity shot by @badviruz
The set can be found here: http://www.zivity.com/models/Lavish/photosets/4
I will have some previews of my New Year's themed set soon!
I hope my words weren't to heavy for you guys on this special day. You all deserve to have an awesome Christmas!
Until next time.
-Lavish
xoxo
