lauren_a

i went to garden state with my little sister tonight. it was excellent and now i'm feeling totally inadequate and pretty fucked up. i love to hate movies that make me feel like poo. i'm not sure if i should elaborate on how crappy i'm feeling or just leave it at i'm feeling crappy. okay okay, i'll elaborate a little bit. i've been working the same god damn job for over a year now and i hate it more and more each day. i make half assed attempts to find other jobs but never follow up on them. i've been dating the same boy for over three years and although i love him so much i still feel totally ugly and inadequate around him all the time. i feel like i'm never good enough because he appears to be so god damn perfect. next to him i look absolutely retarded and dumb. he never tries to make me feel like this but i always end feeling like it. (that was horrible english and i don't care). i just want to look at him and feel like i'm not totally annoying and a burden all the time. sometimes i don't even know how he feels about me. i mean, we almost broke up a long time ago and he cried and that was the only real time i actually felt like i knew how much he cared about me. he's most likely going to be on tour after christmas for at least six months, probablymore and i wonder if he'll even miss me as much as i know i'll miss him. i feel lost when i'm not with him and i just wish someone (preferably him) would feel the same way about me. i just feel so useless. blah. i know i want to do something with my life but i'd really like to just move in with paul and start going to school. i want to wake up to him each morning. i want to feel eternally lucky to have such an incredible person in my life. i feel lucky now but i'd like to feel more lucky. i don't know. maybe i'm being selfish wanting him to feel something he's either not able to feel now or doesn't want to feel ever. i'm just not sure. asking him turns into a fight and we haven't had a big one fight in a long time and i don't particularly want to have one any time soon. i'm not sure who actually reads this but i'm in desperate need of some good advice.