lauralily

It's at times like this I am glad I renewed my subscription on this site.

It's been a horrible week and I have been itching to vent so badly and I figured this is the best place as none of my real life friends know about this place. Although I use that term loosely.

Firstly, there's this.





For those of you who know, I have long suffered with a chronic eye problem. If you go way, way back from my 2005 blogs (Yes I have been around here since 2005 contrary to what the profile says - you can go check!) you'll know what I'm on about, this is the first time I've ever been signed off work with it though.

So that's one thing getting me down at the moment, now for the next. This could take a while.

When I first met Joe, I had just settled into my new life here in Birmingham. I was new to these parts but I'd met some great people, loved my job and felt content with life for the first time. I stil had issues, mostly financial ones, but for the first time, I was happy with my lot. Then I met Joe and we've been together ever since. Literally a matter of weeks before we met, he started his band with what would later turn out to be one of his best friends. These guys have been a huge part of my life for as long as I've known Joe, so naturally I came to love and respect these people as friends - some of the best people I have ever met who I have shared some of the best times in my life with.

Over the last 2 years we've all shared a lot together, the new album is due out in just a few weeks time and we should all be really happy and excited. You've guessed it though. We're not.

Joe's Mum was taken ill in January. She nearly died. His sisters came to stay with us while she fought her way through the most critical stage oh her illness and things were tough. Joe hasn't been himself, but things are slowly getting better and she was discharged from hospital this week.

During the time she has been ill, we have done the best we can to continue as normal, but the stronger we have stayed mentally, the weaker we have come physically, hence my freaky eyes. Joe has trouble with co-ordination and has been a lot clumsier recently. Jump forward to Monday night, April fools day. One year since the band released their first album together. The first status I read is a band announcement, all in caps. I wasn't expecting anything but when I read it I thought it was a sick and twisted April fools joke. The guys had annnounced they had parted with Joe and their next gig, their album release, will be his last show. I was stunned, so I called him. ( I spent Easter at my folks house in Devon while he stayed here with his family)

Shaking, I asked if what I had just read was true? He said yes, and just 5 minutes before, they had dropped him from the band. Weeks before the new album release. All I could manage was 'Why?' I hadn't seen this coming at all, and I was shocked and hurt that they'd do this to him - especially after all he's been through. Apparently they feel his standard of playing has slipped and with some big shows coming up, they don't feel he is good enough and is holding the rest of them back!

He screencapped the messages sent back and forth. I am horrified I ever thought these people were our friends. They give all this 'Oh we love you man but we know you have a lot on' spiel, they had obviously spent more time talking ABOUT him than TO him, and I thought friends talked to each other, not about each other, especially when they know they're going through a hard time, but no their decision was made. They backed him into a corner. No warnings, no nothing just a cold hearted dialogue about how mucht they cared but the band was suffering. Such a load of bullshit.

I have never felt this much pain for another person before. I feel sick and betrayed. Joe has done so for them over the years and this is how he is thanked. To make it worse, these people were the best man and ushers at our wedding next year and now we have nothing. This is supposed to be an exciting time but I jsut feel hurt and let down. I have no idea what is going to happen now, but I just spent a good deal of money booking our venue when I really don't feel like doing anything at all right now. I have no idea who my friends are or who I can trust. I just feel sad and tearful.

They're due to play their last show together on the 19th. I hope Joe chooses not to play, but whatever he decides, I'll do what I always do and support him. I have nothing to say to the others. Ending anything over facebook is cowardly as fuck, I won't do to them what they did to him and if I feel the need to say anything, at least I'll have the balls to say it to their face.

Everything feels different now. Life feels emptier and lonelier some how and I just have no idea what will happen next. More than anythng I hope Joe will continue to make music. It's one thing that always has and always will make me smile.

So there we go. Sorry for the over dramatic blog over something which probably sounds so trivial to so many, but it's the only life I've known for the past 2 years and it's strange how these things affect our lives. I will miss everyone so much, but I can't forgive and forget just yet.