I know most of you are probably tired of this, but still, I just feel fucking horrible
I had off work tonight, a friday night(something Id been trying so bad to get for months, my job is just hard to get off during), and here I lay flipping channels for hours, and just hoping Ill get some sleep tonight(instead of being up til 4 or 5 sick to my stomach fighting back tears)
it just doesnt end, and as geeky as it sounds there was 2 things I had really looked forward to that Id never done, kiss at New Years Eve(which didnt happen for various reasons) and Valentines Day(Ive always hated that holiday, and now I hate it more than ever)
these months are always rough for a number of reasons, but were close to 4 years since my horrid binge of alcohol that lasted for months while I stuggled with severe depression(that honestly Ive never 100% recovered from, mostly because things keep happening very similar, much like this), were talking major weight gain and constant blackouts(and friends kind enough to carry my black and blue vomit covered body up the stairs), I mean I know better now than to succumb to the bottle(nothing there is gonna solve my problems) that doesnt take away the hurt
I mean I really wish I could stop feeling like shit, honestly I cant even be happy about the Eagles being in the playoffs(and Ive been raised a fan, thats usually such a great moment) but right now its a painful reminder, it just makes me sick to my stomach
I just want to stop crying, to stop feeling sick to my stomach, to stop feeling like no one would even think of being interested in me, Im sick of being the nice guy and getting trampled all over, I want to feel like there are girls out there that arent just going to screw me over, that I can just be happy and be with someone
this really just isnt fair, I just cant stop saying it, this is leaving deep scars
I had off work tonight, a friday night(something Id been trying so bad to get for months, my job is just hard to get off during), and here I lay flipping channels for hours, and just hoping Ill get some sleep tonight(instead of being up til 4 or 5 sick to my stomach fighting back tears)
it just doesnt end, and as geeky as it sounds there was 2 things I had really looked forward to that Id never done, kiss at New Years Eve(which didnt happen for various reasons) and Valentines Day(Ive always hated that holiday, and now I hate it more than ever)
these months are always rough for a number of reasons, but were close to 4 years since my horrid binge of alcohol that lasted for months while I stuggled with severe depression(that honestly Ive never 100% recovered from, mostly because things keep happening very similar, much like this), were talking major weight gain and constant blackouts(and friends kind enough to carry my black and blue vomit covered body up the stairs), I mean I know better now than to succumb to the bottle(nothing there is gonna solve my problems) that doesnt take away the hurt
I mean I really wish I could stop feeling like shit, honestly I cant even be happy about the Eagles being in the playoffs(and Ive been raised a fan, thats usually such a great moment) but right now its a painful reminder, it just makes me sick to my stomach
I just want to stop crying, to stop feeling sick to my stomach, to stop feeling like no one would even think of being interested in me, Im sick of being the nice guy and getting trampled all over, I want to feel like there are girls out there that arent just going to screw me over, that I can just be happy and be with someone
this really just isnt fair, I just cant stop saying it, this is leaving deep scars