last_firstborn

I am slowly starting to form more of who I am today. I think this is a good thing. I try so hard to be the comedian (great defensive mechanism), or the silent killer, and never tell anyone my serious problems or what my life has been like the past few years. In fact, I may never. But I'm ok with that. I'm starting to move on and open up differently than I had previously anticipated. I'm ready to be the person I was born to be, eventually. I do wish things would hurry up, but we can't hurry such things along, now can we? I'm coming out of my hermitlike cave, and experiencing things anew. I'm trying to be more positive and watch my temper, keep my cool, even when someone really has it comin. I'm trying to be polite and kind to everyone, including strangers, because you don't know just how close they are to ending their lives. Believe me. I'm letting alot of things go that I thought would always scar me inside, and I'm letting alot of my rage go with it. The trademark rage is still there, but now it's more precise, controlled, and concentrated for when it may truly be needed (if ever). I'm finally starting to see things fall together, and I like it.

I hate being conflicted. There is something I need to do. Loyalty in me prevents it, other things in my heart tell me I need to settle this matter for better or worse now. I just don't know what to do anymore or how to handle it. I know some day I need to, don't I? What would happen if I didn't? Is it ever a good thing to just leave things be in these situations? Does it end well?? Pretty soon, things will have spiraled beyond it's remedy, should one in fact be needed. We all have so very much time on our hands, but it's most definately the one thing truly against us.