When I first got with Nathan I thought all my prayers had been answered, all the things I so longed for in my past relationship was handed to me on a plate - I was happy, for the first time in a very long time, i was happy. Yet now, a year on i find myself asking myself these questions quite regularly. Do i want to be with someone who annoys me so much in just how he is as a person? Do I want to be with someone who doesn't 'get' me? Why do I no longer get horny and crave sex? Do I want to be with someone for the rest of my life whom I struggle to be natural and myself with - and not cos I'm holding back but just because it doesn't happen - we don't bounce off each other. Do I want to be with someone whose humour I just don't find funny? I'm craving intelligent humour so bad recently. Do I want to be with someone that has a feminine side that I just can't bare? Do I want to feel like the bad person all the time? Do I want to feel moody, snappy or deflated all the time? I don't want a relationship where I roll my eyes when the other tries to be funny, or where I flinch or just don't 'feel it' when they're being affectionate - that's not me! Or where sometimes, when they talk I feel a bit embarrassed because the story is either boring or taking too long to start or just at no obvious interest to anyone. Little things annoy me so much in this relationship - I'm not used to it, I've never had this in a relationship - the things that bothered me before was stuff that would normally bother people in relationships, i dunno, like infidelity, lying, being lazy or inconsiderate - not personality traits. I know what I should do, but I'm scared of making the wrong decision - I'm scared of throwing away a decent guy and regretting it later. I'm scared of losing this house, or Alfie, I'm scared of going back to being so utterly depressed - yet I'm not exactly happy now. I'm also scared of being lonely. More lonelier than now. I've outgrown or lost touch with a lot of friends this year, if I was to lose Nathan too, what exactly would I have? No-one. So i'd still be unhappy. But it would open doors. But what doors? Where would I go? What would I do? Who the fuck would i hang out with! 25 years fucking old and I'm still not fucking happy. Life is balls. I'm fucking sick of it to be fair. What am I meant to do? Just go through the motions of life and then die? wow, i can't fucking wait. I'm gonna be on my death bed whenever and look back and be like "Well, at least I did a big fuck all with my life!"
Over and out.
Over and out.