lashes

So I've been on one hell of a downward spiral the last little while with the occasional up moments and if I'm being honest with you, it's been extremely draining and mentally challenging. There has been moments when I often find myself thinking about suicide, but I know that's not what I want and that it's just my fucked up head taking over. I definitely don't want to do that but I literally have no control over what goes on in my head a lot of the time. Once again I've been thinking about running away too just to have some time alone. I really do love alone time - it keeps me calm. Settling down with a good book, or reading articles on the internet or just watching a film helps so much. My brain can concentrate on something else and it's really helpful escaping into the activity. I'm still dating Nathan and still finding it a struggle. He is very supportive and does whatever he can for me but he requires a lot of my attention and is very effectionate. It often drives me insane though. I've always been someone who very much enjoys my own company and loves sollitude, always keep myself to myself, so having someone who wants to touch me all the time or hug me or stroke me or kiss me or just generaly being in my personal space a lot has taken it's toll on me big time. I feel smothered and part of a couple - and i hate it! I've always been very independent and very much my own person so now being part of a couple is having a very big strain on me mentally. I've never dated someone who requires so much attention and gives so much effection (all the time) before and it really is having a very big impact on my mental state. I'm not saying previous boyfriends have not been effectionate etc cos they certainly were, but not to this extent. The thing I loved about my relationship with Matt was that we were such good friends. We could just hang out doing something together or happily do something seperate for hours like him playing on guitar while i mess about on the internet or read or something. And we'd always have such a good laugh too. It wasn't all about kissing, cuddling, holding hands, stroking blah blah blah. The point I'm trying to get it, is that we were a couple, but not only that.

I'm still feeling very much a shadow of my former self. I don't smile much these days either. It's just not there, my head feels blank. Anyways, my doctor is calling me soon so we can have a chat. I want to increase the dose of my medication to see if it helps. We'll see what he says though.

Well, hope you're all cool.