lashes

My friends can only make me happy for the few moments I'm with them. And it's normally only masked happiness fuelled by kind words, alcohol and drugs. Afterwards it disapears. I think I've pretty much cried for 20 hours solid today. I just want this pain to stop. I don't want to see anyone but him. I just want all this to stop. I'm tired and I physically and mentally can't take anymore. I've barely slept. I've hardly eaten all week, I've lost 7lbs. I could actually probably list all the tings I've eaten this week. Normally I'd struggle remembering a day. As of tomorrow I'm not taking my medication anymore. I've changed since being on them and i want to go back now. I wish I could delete my feelings. Why aren't I the strong person I used to be? Years ago nothing bothered me, I wasn't fazed by anything - now I'm a mess. I don't want to be her again - she was a hard faced bitch with no feelings. I don't want to be this either though. This hurts too much. I don't wanna be me. I feel for anyone feeling as bad as I do now - I wouldn't wish this pain on anybody. apart from a select few. Do you think that maybe there is actually a god out there? and that all this crap stems from me not believing and cursing 'him' to the ground? Would he really be this mean though to put me through this countless shit all my life though? Maybe it's cos I haven't learnt from other mistakes yet that 'he' carries on with it? Maybe it's cos I still slag him to the ground? Hell... there's no fucking god out there. If there was I wouldn't have had the shitty life I've had so far. I mean, really? Can you really throw all this shit at one person before they even reach 24? I'm done now. I've done my bit. I can't live my life cos there's always something thrown at me to get in the way. From when I can remember right until now - always something. I'm worn out. I just want to sleep. I'm not even sure I want to wake up. The only reason I do is cos I don't want to have my family go through the pain. Please just let this all stop.