larose404

I live a half-life, something in between two places where I should be, could be, unable to reach either. Even if I decide which way to go, some force keeps dragging me back to the middle. I live in Limbo, seeking Heaven, willing to endure Hell to be out of Limbo, thinking that Hell's sting cannot endure. I seek Heaven and climb towards it, and sometimes reach it and stay there for a while before I realise it's all an illusion and the flames lick against my skin. I don't know if it's my fear that it is all an illusion that brings it to pass, that doubt becomes my Hell or if it really is an illusion and I delude myself into thinking it's Heaven. Sometimes, when I think that it is a trick, when I try to shrug off my delusions, I steel myself to run through the flames, to reach some normality, even if it is normality alone and lonely for the rest of my life, this cold second Hell, but I can't get far enough to forget Heaven, to still the doubt, to give up my chance at reaching and living in Heaven. Her face shines with serenity and welcome and desire at those times, and I return, at first reluctantly and then later with abandon. I return in a way similar to that in which she returned to me, once upon a time, but she knows not or cannot understand this approach-retreat, and curses me for it, with either her lack of insight , unable to see the parallels and consequent lack of empathy, or with her rage. Sometimes I get further before she turns, and the love-light shines in her eyes for a little longer as we share an ecstasy, but as quickly I say something or she says something, and Heaven turns to Hell once again, and the rage-light burns in her face and the grit of her teeth, and I am seared by the laser beam of her scorn and cast down again. I am trapped in the middle, caught between scorn and love, between running away and staying, between reaching out and being burnt. I am living a half-life, between my own Heaven and my own Hell.