laputa64

i guess that i got into "cutting" when i was in middle school. for me at first, it wasn't about the pain. i evidently have a very high tolerance for pain. i actually just liked having the visible scars. i would do the same with my eyebrow. every day when i would leave to go to school, i would pierce my eyebrow and when i would come home i would take it out. me and my best friend were just into that kind of stuff. i am not trying to excuse it...this is more of me just explaining. me being really sick with crohn's disease...it is funny how hard i work for people not to see the pain that i am in. a lot of people don't even believe that i am sick b/c i work so hard to put up the exterior of being strong and everything being okay. which is the exact opposite of the way that i was in middle school. i wanted those visible scars b/c i thought it let people know the pain that i was in. i didn't hide them...i didn't mind talking about them. i have read books recently about the whole thing and it is so weird to me b/c the way that they describe what i was going through is the exact opposite of how i felt and why i did things. the only reason that i feel like talking about this is b/c it has been on my mind a lot lately. cutting has. i have been in a lot of hopeless emotional pain and am in danger of losing my best friend in the whole wide world...and i don't know what to do. i don't know the best way to go about trying to get everything fixed b/c if i try to talk to him about it and put pressure on him about how all of this is making me feel...then i am doing the exact same thing to him that i am mad at his girlfriend for doing. i don't want to lose him as a friend. and i wish that i could spend my day doing something else besides worrying about this.