Thursday Apr 08, 2004

0
am i allowed to babble sometimes? i grew up in a household that didn't talk about their feelings. my dad never said one single thing to anyone unless it was to tell us how we were doing something wrong. it wasn't appropriate for his two daughters to talk about being girls...and the problems that girls have. that wasn't what we were supposed to do. it is funny. how different my parents were. my dad seemed like a distant monster b/c he was a confused adult stuck in a household with two adolescent girls and he didn't know how to handle anything. he hid behind the newspaper on sunday mornings like he was "supposed" to do in a perfect house in white sububia while my mom ran the center of the universe. we even looked bizarlly normal to outsiders. how wrong they were. me and my sister only had each other but that venue was never even used b/c we were so busy fighting all of the time. all we wanted was to get away from our reality more than anything else. i was trying to live in this dream world where i spent so much time trying to make me and my life appear perfect that i just came across to everyone as a terrible person that lied all of the time. it took me until i was 18 years old to figure out even a little bit who i was. my little sister however was different. she was a little adult from birth. she has always been so much more normal than me and had her life together. i am supposed to be the older more mature one and she is the one that takes care of me. my life on the otherend is a whirlwind. always has been. i am not happy with anything for very long and all i want is that "something more" this is not something that i am proud of...and all i want more than anything else is for everything to slow down and be normal. but i would just bored with that and make some incredibly ridiculous decision. the story of my life. i wonder in the end what it is that is going to make me happy or am i always going to be looking for that little bit more?
jenya:
i was just thinking about this same stuff last night.
(i think a lot of us do).

i feel totally lost in life......my age, and i have no idea what i am gonna do with my future.

right now i am just trying to make it day to day. but i am not happy. there actually was a period of maybe a year where i could actually say "i am happy in life". looking back, i think it was probably one of the manic phases of my bipolar.

it's always " i might be happy "if"" but, that "if" comes and goes without making much of a dent.

i could blame my depression, but it feels much more than that.

i always feel like everyone else has their life in order so much more than me, and i think "why can't I do that"?

for a long long long time now, i thought
"if i could have a decent job and be able to financially support myself, stand on my own two feet........THAT is it!
that is the key." but, you know what? then i will worry i will lose my job.

for me, i think it comes down to having confidence in myself and my ability to take care of me...........blech. not so much there yet.

i have seen your rant and raised it by two biggrin
donzell:
People tell me that I babble all the time. So, I say babble on. As to your particular situation, I find that people think that happiness is a destination or a tanigble object, and that cause people to wonder "What if?" I try to live my life with idea that happiness is like the wind. Even if I cannot see it, it is always with me, and it will make its presence know when I need it. Also, people expect to find themselves by a certain age or if they do certain things. I believe that self-discovery comes from living, listening to those that have gone before us, making mistakes, and having a little bit of faith.

More Blogs