laputa64

am i allowed to babble sometimes? i grew up in a household that didn't talk about their feelings. my dad never said one single thing to anyone unless it was to tell us how we were doing something wrong. it wasn't appropriate for his two daughters to talk about being girls...and the problems that girls have. that wasn't what we were supposed to do. it is funny. how different my parents were. my dad seemed like a distant monster b/c he was a confused adult stuck in a household with two adolescent girls and he didn't know how to handle anything. he hid behind the newspaper on sunday mornings like he was "supposed" to do in a perfect house in white sububia while my mom ran the center of the universe. we even looked bizarlly normal to outsiders. how wrong they were. me and my sister only had each other but that venue was never even used b/c we were so busy fighting all of the time. all we wanted was to get away from our reality more than anything else. i was trying to live in this dream world where i spent so much time trying to make me and my life appear perfect that i just came across to everyone as a terrible person that lied all of the time. it took me until i was 18 years old to figure out even a little bit who i was. my little sister however was different. she was a little adult from birth. she has always been so much more normal than me and had her life together. i am supposed to be the older more mature one and she is the one that takes care of me. my life on the otherend is a whirlwind. always has been. i am not happy with anything for very long and all i want is that "something more" this is not something that i am proud of...and all i want more than anything else is for everything to slow down and be normal. but i would just bored with that and make some incredibly ridiculous decision. the story of my life. i wonder in the end what it is that is going to make me happy or am i always going to be looking for that little bit more?