hmmm... the week is done.
someone has plans for me. i do not think that our plans coincide.
the future is unknown but it is very clear. i will work it is just the where that is the issue.
the new is tiresome.
my heart misses a piece it used to have. a long time ago it was there for a time then i threw it away. then i wanted it back. i put it back together again but it fell apart again. too many fractures to heal all the breaks. it has been a while but people who have an effect on your spirit leave their mark for what is quite possibly forever. sometimes it is something someone mentions, a scent, a song but in a moment of quick it all comes back in a rush. the melt of togetherness. the pain of apart. now after so long it is better to be apart and just remember. sometimes the pain of friendship is too much for it all comes back that it will never be the same, like it was, those days, those nights, the closeness, the laughter and all that was magic and good.
we met in '96. we got together in '96. it was over in '98. we went our separate ways. after a year she kept tabs. i didn't mind. we had new people in our lives. those new people became the past and we reached out in our pain and frustration. after talking we had dinner and got back together and the magic was on. that was three years ago tuesday. it almost lasted the year. this time it was her turn. she still kept in touch and i didn't mind again... we had dinner in the fall. we have gotten together once or twice a year since. she is in la and i am up here. she mostly comes up here. last the time we talked she was on her way ot of town and i was grouchy and at work when she called.... long day. kinda annoyed about her behavior and judgement at dinner. the old issues rising their ugly head. tuesday was her birthday. she hasn't called since the fall.
i feel, today, that maybe it is best we don't speak. i don't like to be reminded of the old magic. there was never anything like it before and never since. it was beyond the meat of existence. we melted together. knew what each of us thought. she knows me the best. even now and i her. we won't know it together.
today it makes me sad that i feel this way. it is still raw after all this time. after the others between. silly but true.
i guess the romantics are right. sometimes there will always be that one. the one you carry inside you but not beside.
so i wrap myself in appetite for destruction, elastica, the first fishbone, frenching the bully and the sickness. so i sit wanting soemthing to wash me in oblivion but i think tonight i will skip it and just slip away early.
-j
someone has plans for me. i do not think that our plans coincide.
the future is unknown but it is very clear. i will work it is just the where that is the issue.
the new is tiresome.
my heart misses a piece it used to have. a long time ago it was there for a time then i threw it away. then i wanted it back. i put it back together again but it fell apart again. too many fractures to heal all the breaks. it has been a while but people who have an effect on your spirit leave their mark for what is quite possibly forever. sometimes it is something someone mentions, a scent, a song but in a moment of quick it all comes back in a rush. the melt of togetherness. the pain of apart. now after so long it is better to be apart and just remember. sometimes the pain of friendship is too much for it all comes back that it will never be the same, like it was, those days, those nights, the closeness, the laughter and all that was magic and good.
we met in '96. we got together in '96. it was over in '98. we went our separate ways. after a year she kept tabs. i didn't mind. we had new people in our lives. those new people became the past and we reached out in our pain and frustration. after talking we had dinner and got back together and the magic was on. that was three years ago tuesday. it almost lasted the year. this time it was her turn. she still kept in touch and i didn't mind again... we had dinner in the fall. we have gotten together once or twice a year since. she is in la and i am up here. she mostly comes up here. last the time we talked she was on her way ot of town and i was grouchy and at work when she called.... long day. kinda annoyed about her behavior and judgement at dinner. the old issues rising their ugly head. tuesday was her birthday. she hasn't called since the fall.
i feel, today, that maybe it is best we don't speak. i don't like to be reminded of the old magic. there was never anything like it before and never since. it was beyond the meat of existence. we melted together. knew what each of us thought. she knows me the best. even now and i her. we won't know it together.
today it makes me sad that i feel this way. it is still raw after all this time. after the others between. silly but true.
i guess the romantics are right. sometimes there will always be that one. the one you carry inside you but not beside.
so i wrap myself in appetite for destruction, elastica, the first fishbone, frenching the bully and the sickness. so i sit wanting soemthing to wash me in oblivion but i think tonight i will skip it and just slip away early.
-j