languid

so i dropped her off at the airport... she's off to chicago for the holiday weekend. i've felt withdrawn. the only time i feel like being accessible and willing ot semi engage is when we cuddle. i don't know if this is just my everyday reaction to cuddling or what.

she wants more. i want less. if we never did it again i wouldn't be sad but i would miss a good friend. there's no fireworks but lots of sex. somtimes this bumms me out. i wnat my spirit to crackel not just my skin... i want more than she brings out in me. i know i bring it out in her. she's generous and accepting of the pendulumn, she caters to my storms tho for the most part i keep myself distant during the week when the worst is on.

i realized lately that there have been others in the past that being around them takes me somewhere else. that special place where there is only us. the world intrudes vibrantly when i am around the grrl of late. is it my world or is it the grrl?

i think in the end i will break her heart. i hate doing that. she is so staunch and yet so fragile. it is gonna suck. i will lose a good friend, maybe and a spirit that i value but there is no love where there should be...

now i have angst.

i just want something that i can never have... but maybe next time.

none of that probably came out right but i need to work it out before it gets too far...