Ok. Real talk. Sometimes I feel like a loon. I'm not sure where my anxiety comes from when it comes to talking to the opposite sex about feelings or even honest intentions of interest. But for some reason my confidence wanes and my shyness or maybe discomfort takes over. I am not OK with this. Why do I have to be alone? I just want to share my life with a nice girl. I have stared the possibility of my death in the face and smiled. Why the hell is it so hard for me to find a nice girl to share something with. Is it fear of vulnerability? Am I somehow concerned that I'll be less of a man if I open up? Or do I have some weird need to slut around before I settle? I swear sometimes I think I have that cliche' icy heart. But I still feel. Guilt for not talking to my family more. Guilt for not focusing more on school. Guilt for being here when I could possibly doing something more meaningful with my life. I always wanted my military time to mean something, to count for something, to make a difference in the lives of Americans....Somewhere in my life I missed a valuable lesson in sociability. Somehow I lost the path to normality; and frankly I'm profoundly OK and upset about it at the same time. I mean...I'm glad I have a different, unique, and honest perspective on life and what it means to be a free American.....But, being in college as a 26 year old veteran....I feel jaded, like I've missed a valuable part of experiencing the freedoms afforded our great country in a different way than I had in the military. Please, don't think me some ignorant former military type. Sad to say I'm far more intelligent than a majority of the youth attending our fine Universities. And, honestly, that's a problem. Mostly because I can't find the focus or motivation to continue in school. It's not that I don't know it is worth something. It's more that I can't decide on anything worth accepting as a life. I hate this. I wish I could detail the events or causes that define my character so succinctly, but, sadly I am at a loss. I feel the need to emphatically say that this is not a suicide note. I cherish my life. I just wish I knew what to do with it. However, in this day and age we can't just go on some walkabout or spirit journey, for that requires a capital that the average bloke can not afford. There are many things I wish I could experience or do in my time, though, I fear I may not have the luxury. I 'm not sure how many, if any, will read this. But goddamn does it feel good to type out and say.
