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lalayla

Berkeley, CA

Member Since 2006

Followers 198 Following 56

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Friday Sep 15, 2006

Sep 15, 2006
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Im not doing good. Not at all. Sorry for depressing posts lately, but I have to be honest.

SPOILERS! (Click to view)
For those that read my last blog, that whole experience still has me terrified. I feel a bit stupid because I know some people get panic attacks all the time, or have worse problems, so I shouldnt complain. At least Im still doing good in school - but thats about it. Its only been a few weeks since the incident, and Im still hoping that time will help, but I feel like a completely different person since my panic attack. I laugh at myself for thinking I had an anxiety problem before. I just wish I had never even tried to get help, because then I wouldnt have gotten that evil medication. My daily anxiety level is at least 5x what it was before, and its a totally different feeling. Instead of just being hot, sweaty, and having a horribel stomach ache when I get nervous, now its mostly my breathing. I havent had anymore panic attacks, but I often get the sudden feeling that I cant take a full breath - which leads to reminding me about the panic attacks, which of course leads to a bit of PANIC - which usually results in me taking meds so I can sleep. I felt pretty good for a few days this week, then one night I got nervous and my legs started twitching and trembling, so the next day I was jittery and depressed. Then it happened the next night! Then 2 nights later, my best friend took me out to dinner for a late bday. I was starving when we got there, as soon as the food came, I couldnt touch it. I had to go to the bathroom every few minutes to do breathing exercises, which didnt help, so out came the meds and we had to leave, without getting cheesecake, which was the main reason we went to this place. Im sorry to tell these stories, the last thing I want is to make other people feel nervous! But I just have to. Im so scared, and angry, and sad frown I know things will get better, I just started therapy for the first time, and maybe eventually I will have the courage to try a different SSRI and get off these tranquilizers. I know Im gonna be ok, but Im not going to feel ok, if that makes any sense?



What really bothers me is my anxiety is now controlling my life. The only time Im ok is in school, where I used to be the most nervous. My world is just so different now I feel lost. Ive always been a night person, now Im afraid of the dark, it makes me feel claustrophobic (i had my panic attack at night). I think that was the main problem at the restaurant...we sat outside, and something went wrong where they didnt turn on the lights when they were supposed to and it was difficult to read the menu. Crap I have to go but I will continue later....

EDIT: Ok enough of that. Im feeling much better today, although Im jittery and have a fast pulse, I havent medicated since yesterday afternoon so at least I can feel a tad bit of control over myself. Another weird change Ive noticed since the panic attack is that being sad and crying is very satisfying. No, seriously! It only makes sense because when I cry, I cant feel nervous at the same time. Its like I feel my body calm down. But then again Im confused because how can I feel so sad yet so happy at the same time? Im so confused by all these new things happening to me, but hopefully it will make me stronger somehow.

Thanks to everyone who wished me a happy 21st. I had a pretty good bday week despite all this crap going on. Heres me enjoying my first legal margarita.

GOOD NEWS: (yes, i actually have some) I got the award for sophomore achievment at my college, and got $1000! Ha, perfectionism does pay off! Only problem is it surely wont cover my hospital bill but at least it will help and I get the pleasure of knowing I was the highest achiever of my class last year biggrin

VIEW 8 of 8 COMMENTS
lucabrasi:
Hows it going?smile
Sep 28, 2006
lucabrasi:
I'm good! Good to hear things are better than the journal would indicate! I was actually up in your neck of the woods this week. Can't say I enjoy the drive up the east bay but berkeley seems cooltongue
Sep 29, 2006

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